Straightening My Crown

The difference between this year and last is astounding to me. It was to be a year of reflection, finding peace of mind, and letting the dust settle. But, it became a whirlwind of changes. With the burden of responsibility falling on myself. I never would of thought I would be collecting social security. I knew I was a homeowner, but didn't think I was moving until last May (I moved in November last year). I didn't think I would still be paying doctor's bills for help that I finally seeked. I thought all of my attorney's fees were paid for this time last year. I spent a lot of money on my car last year, only for the same problem to come back, and since it was a 2016 (not that old) I thought I would still be driving that car. I NEVER thought I would sell on Ebay again. The really hard part of all this, it was all out of my control. I didn't see these things coming. And, I try to plan as much as possible. Well, I am beginning to change. I made a conscience plan of just letting things happen and dealing with them. Well, dealing without any anger was the hard part. I decided to feel every feeling this year and just let everything be. I have done a really good job of that, and I am finally feeling more of a lightness. Because, from all of these changes I am in a better place. I have more freedom then ever. And, I am looking forward to using the freedom in better ways. I still am planning for an Artist residencey in the South of France next year. I also found one in upstate New York I would like to attend. I should be able to swing it. Especially, when I think of the doctors, attorney, AND movers I paid for in the last two years. I should be able to spend this money without the feeling of insecurity I have. But, I don't, I keep on thinking of what the doctor told me. She gave me a hug actually. And, she said I need support. And, without asking there has been so much support, friendship and hugs this year. But, I still started to think I needed to ask for support in some way for next year's endeavor. I started looking into substacks, which is an email you would ask readers to subscribe to. But, that needs a lot of researching. So, I am sticking to blogging. And, then I looked into crowdfunding. I was getting close to doing a indigogo campaign. I even had some perks I started to create ( I am going to list on ebay soon). Then yesterday the place I want to go to in France started their own indiegogo campaign. It is here if you don't know what I am talking about. So I think I am going to do a campaign and wait until Giving Day in November (The last Tuesday). The bottom line is I HATE asking for help. I was born this way. I had a conversation with my sister two years ago on my birthday. And, she reinforced what my mom always said about me. It really made my mom mad at me at a young age. Whenever someone in the family tried to help me I would exclaim "ME DO". I would shoo everyone away from me. When it came for me to tie my shoes, it was a struggle for every single person in the household. This independent spirit didn't help me in many ways. It really was a struggle for me as a manager. Because, especially when I worked in a department store. There is NO way I can do that job by myself. And, it was a struggle when I left my last job, because I believed I could do it by myself. That is not fair to have that kind of vulnerability in this day and age. Every store in a mall should have two people in it, at all times. Especially, opening and closing. And, here is my problem, I would have fought for this, if I stayed. And, the bottom line is I surrender, before I fight for something for myself. I want the opportunites next year, so much. I am ready to fight for it AND ask for help. I hope you will help in some way, even if it is just sharing my campaign in late November. Quote of the Day: Don't be afraid to ask questions. Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I do that every day. Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don't know something, and to learn something new. Barack Obama Song of the Day: Help by the Beatles