Take Your Time

Processing time has been the most difficult for me these last few years. I am thankful for the memories on facebook to remind me. The problem is at the same time I have been avoiding looking at my memories. Yesterday was a good day, and I took a look. I am glad I did, because it reminded me four years ago my mom was still alive. This week I want to dedicate a lot of time to her. This is a good thing, and not a sad thing. When my life took a sharp turn, a lot of decisions had to be made in a very short time. Sometimes I would wake up, and just think what would my mom do? And, I would follow through with trying to read a good book. I would go to church. I would take a ride to Atlantic City. I would call a friend. I would send a greeting card. I would just lay on the couch and watch TV. I would go to a bakery. And, all of this helped me through a really difficult time. But, many of these things cause me guilt. And, that's where I am changing my habits. And, really digging into pure joy. What gives ME pure joy. NO guilt. And, that is how I spent last year by just being. This year is the first year where I am not working until April. So, each morning I wake up and ask myself what feels right for me to do each day. And, it has gotten pretty darn close to pure joy as I think I can get. I even went to church twice so far this year. The bad feelings such as guilt and shame are starting to melt away. Self doubt is still the hardest for me. But, as I take baby steps to ask for help in dealing with life in a whole new way, I am getting there. It is a real battle sometimes. But, it is a daily push to not just wither away. A funny thing happened as I got to this point in my writing. There was blip noise and a new email from Maria Shriver. And, again I find we are on the same page. I found myself stuck for words to make a point. I started thinking of dealing with Alzheimers for my mom and dad. How every day was full of worry of what is going to happen today? Will they fall, leave an oven on, say something stupid to someone who doesn't understand and be a threat to them, will they get lost or wander off. I may not have lived with them, but they were a constant worry. And, four years ago that part of worry was over. And, then their was all of this new space in my mind. New space to worry about me. And, that is what this time has done for me. But, during this time of Lent and reflecting. I am letting it all go. And, I am going to face the future with love over fear. And, maybe just maybe my life will be better then ever. Wouldn't that be nice? I have to include the last paragraph of Maria Shriver's paragraph here. Because, her post was about living alone, also. "In the silence of the early morning dawn, when you sit all alone, know that truth. Your worth does not come from the job you have, the money you have made or haven’t made, the person you married or never married. Your worth is within your being. So, next time you find yourself alone, don’t fear yourself. Enjoy the magnificence of your own company. Listen to that voice within, the one in your heart, and allow it to guide you forward. Allow it to keep you company. Allow it to remind you of why you are here. You, my child and friend, are here to light the world on fire. There’s no doubt in my mind about that." Maria Shriver Sunday Paper Quote of the day: “Learn to be alone and like it. There is nothing more freeing and empowering than learning to like your own company.” - Mandy Hale Song of the Day: Love is Like a Butterfly by Dolly Parton