Columbine.....what do you think of? I still think of a massacre at a school. But, this year I am hoping to change this. It has been a complete year in my home, and not working full time. I was finally able to feel all the feels. Not, emabarass myself if I reacted sadly to the news, a movie, a friend's misfortune or just life in general. I was afraid of getting depressed, because I didn't have a purpose in each day. But, what I did have, was this wonderful feeling when I awoke. And, it felt so good to have this feeling each day. I have to say this spirit started to crumble in October, when things weren't going too well. It is financial, and it will resolve itself beyond my control. And, in the long run this is just what I have to deal with. And, I had a lot of what ifs. Especially, the growth on my back I was worried about. And, my worries came true with it being cancer. My doctors, nurses, family and friends made me realize I am not alone. And, that was a feeling I really needed. But, the word cancer is hard to hear when you have it. And, I could let worrying really take over my thought process. But, I have worked really hard this year on how I react to anything. Meditation is what helps me the most. Then getting a good night's sleep. All of this without taking medication, drinking or a lot of sugar. I had some ginger ale in the house when I had my surgery. And, I bought some mini candy bars. But, my cravings for a beer, soda or candy has really subsided. Growing up I was SO skinny. I think back, and my forgetfulness was really bad. I would be SO busy each day. Many days I would forget to eat. I really had not much of an appetite. When I went away to college, and had food put in front of me, is when I started to gain weight. I am talking about all this, because I realized my mood and emotions could get the best of me. I was afraid of losing motivation to be with people. Or the worst be paralyzed by my own fears. This is where columbine comes in. I saw this beautiful flower in April when the first daffodils began to bloom. And, it stopped me in my tracks. It is the MOST beautiful flower I have ever seen. I cut the first bloom off to press. I felt so bad, because I loved looking at the flower as I entered or left my house. And, then I had three or four blooms. I didn't know it would press well. And, on Good Friday I came out and they were all eaten. Then I thought when I looked at the pressing (and it looked great). Good thing I did press the one. Now, in June I pressed two more. and I used them on handmade paper I made last week. To make the paper it took all day. I added lavender into the pulp. The pulp I made from shredded bills. It took the week to fully dry the paper. I am so happy with the results. I will post them in my stories today, and a reel in my instagram. I am also happy with the watercolor above, which includes my columbine. I am looking forward to next year to see if the columbine comes back. This is faith, I believe. This is what makes me awake with a smile on my face. I believe it comes down to what we pay attention to. And, I am learning I don't have to own "things" or eat junk in order to feel good. It is a lesson I needed to teach myself for a long time.
Quote of the Day: 'To plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow.' Audrey Hepburn
Song of the Day:
My Days written by Ingrid Michaelson sung by Joy Woods for the Notebook.
I did listen to this song when I painted this watercolor
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