Begin Again

I have been trying to write this post for about a month. I turned 65 and feel it is an important number for me. But, it has passed. I didn't really feel very different going into it or after. I guess it doesn't mean that much to me. Yesterday, I changed my pocketbook to get ready and prepared for some traveling. I saw a picture and looked and wondered "what is this picture of my mom doing in here?". It was a sticker the hospital made the day I had surgery in May. It was black and white. I kept staring at it. It took me a very long time to realize it was me, and not my mother. It really disturbed me. Enough, so, I wondered as I caught glimpses of myself in windows yesterday. Should I change my hair color? Should I start wearing make up again? I thought I should stand taller and smile more. I guess it was an awakening. I really haven't felt myself since Sea Hear Now in Mid September. I was a different kind of tired. I had to get another growth removed. I fell and really hurt my ribs. I haven't taken an advil even, to feel better. I just accepted all of the pain, and waited to feel better. I am happy to say I feel like myself again. But, then again after seeing the picture, I felt like my mom. I realize I associate a lot of the aging process, as my mom did. I am saying things, like my mom would. And, as always, I don't like it. I am not my mom, I am me. So, as I write this, I want to be grateful to be here in this world. My biggest wish is for me to age gracefully AND naturally. I want most to be what my mom wanted for me---to be a free spirit. Wouldn't that be the wish for all of us? It is such an easy role to play. But, it really is hard for me. I still worry so much, and still struggle to be kinder to myself. It seems to be the constant theme of my writing. But, writing does free my mind, by getting it out and on paper. I am really looking forward to getting away for a little bit. It is then when I feel the most free. I like getting all my ducks in a row. So, I can get away and not think of my responsibilities. Aging is really an amazing process. And, I think I mentioned this before. I still feel it is an uphill battle. I don't want the feeling of going down hill. It is an easier feeling. But, time goes by fast enough. And, if you take your foot off the brakes, you might have life go by so fast. And, that is not what I want. I think life is better as a struggle. It makes you appreciate it more. Who wants to just see it fly by?

“In the third trimester of my life, I can’t pretend to be anyone other than who I truly am.” — FRESH HELL Tina Brown's Diary Whether you’re in your first, second, or third trimester of life, I ask you: Have you reached this point yet, of being who you truly are? Or are you still pretending?

This is what I read in an email from Susan Cain when I was trying to complete this post. Susan Cain wrote the books Quiet and Bittersweet. I listened to Bittersweet in Audible. And, it helped me immensely to get to know my creative self better. When I saw she was starting a community on Substacks, I wanted in! Thankfully, through a scholarship I was welcomed into the community. It is very engaging with emails, social media and face to face calls about twice a month with a guest. All of my favorites have been featured, and I have only missed a few of the live calls. There is a video to revisit, also. But, what is coming into play here is a common thread of divine timing. My primary doctor told me last year, what I needed most was support. For a quiet person like me who hates to ask for help,this put me in a state of crisis. Here I am naturally quiet, but I am going to have to pay someone for therapy, ask for help, or I am going to break down. I did two therapy sessions which were helpful. But, honestly they stressed me out more then anything. Through Susan Cain's live video calls they are better then therapy. And, through the timing of each and their message, I am reminded of devine timing. And, I believe I have recieved support in devine time. Just when I need it. Someone in my life comes through with something I need to talk out or write about. And, I feel it is helping me in the direction of my writing. It is uncanny. Most of all, because I DON'T have to ask for it. It finds and comes to me. Susan Cain has hit this chord with me. And, it brings me closer to why I want to write a book. It is because I want to reach someone in a time of their need. I want to be hope for someone who is struggling. I want a person who has reached the end of their rope, to BELIEVE there is always, always hope. At any age, we struggle for an answer to a struggle. We all have different personalities and approaches to life. Susan Cain always reminds me of the beauty of listening to sad music. But, what I have learned in the beauty of someone's else music or words, it stays with me. It lives inside, and somedays it comes back out in a form of a painting or words on paper. It is a gift from God. And, the more we are aware there are others like us, the less alone we feel. Thank you Susan Cain for writing about Leonard Cohen's song this week. And, thank you devine timing for me to have painted three birds, and each one with a message. When I listened to the song Anthem this week I knew I heard it all before. I saw the documentary of Leonard Cohen at the Garden Theatre about three years ago. I loved his story. It is pretty tragic, and he seemed tortured at times from his gifts of talent. But, at the end of his life he went back on stage. And, one night, they caught on film, he skipped with joy off stage. Song of the day: Leonard Cohen's Anthem Quote of the day: Eleanor Roosevelt: “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along. ' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”