Lent Lessons

I am amazed at how deep I feel. Not, such a good thing. My biggest thing as I age, is to do this as natrually and gracefully as possible. Maybe I shouldn't even blame my age. I have all this time to reflect on myself. This year is different from last year, as I was still working. So far, a lot of what I have learned is how hard I am on myself. On Saturday I decided to make it a collage day. I began by cutting out flowers. This I really enjoyed. I also treated myself to watching the food channel at the same time. I had two pieces of cardboard, and some paper bags I did not throw out. So, when I sat down to start glueing it, there was no pressure. I probably should not have done this all in one day. But, I am noticing a pattern of not finishing. So, I just wanted to finish. I pay attention, now, to how different projects make me feel. And, a lot of my problem is for the amount of time spent, I want it to be perfect. Collage makes me a bit crazy, because of the wrinkles that can be on the paper while attaching. That's when I remember I should copy it on sticker paper. But, then the ink costs a lot of money. Then when it is all done. I think throw it away!!! The next thing I do is really pay attention to the way I am thinking. It is not good!!!! The next morning I realize I can share it digitally, and it will be flat. I also got a really cool postcard on Saturday during the process: it read:"Psst Geralyn it is your turn." And, it is perfect to do another collage. If you know me, I somehow get signs I am on the right track. I am realizing I am REALLY sensitive. And, I have to get out of my own way. Now the weather is better, I hope to walk more. I used to love doing 21 meditations, and really miss them. So, I read one I had actually downloaded and painted to. It showed how excited I was to watercolor, again. I can see some growth from about eight years ago, when I started back up again. OK, now it is time to give myself credit. Eight years!!!! And, it seems like yesterday. It has brought me joy, but at the same time making me feel I am not good enough. And, this is the thought I am still fighting within myself. I am not doing it for someone to validate me. I really just want to feel the peace and flow it gives me. So, maybe I did develop a habit that helps me through each day. I hope to get all the projects done on my table, to get back to painting this week. The best quote I read from this meditation dating back to 2017 was from Helen Keller. Quote of the Day: "Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." The reason it spoke to me is in this journey and listening to the advice of all these happiness experts I am reading. Is to find your why or what. My answer for this question for the last year is to just feel secure. I have big financial worries since I left a full time job. Thankfully, I start back to work next week. I am still going to events, meetings, workshops and really loved going to game night last week. But, I have put it upon myself to stop spending money, I don't have. And; sorry, but not sorry, my gas tank's appetite is being fed better then mine. The last thing I want to do is turn into a hermit. I usually feel like this at Lent, so I am really looking forward to next Monday! Song of the day: Bruce Springsteen: Ain't Good Enough for You I heard this song yesterday, and it is my inner struggle with myself. This song always makes me laugh....one of my top ten favorites!

Twenty Years Ago

Twenty years ago in January I didn't know I would be on a tour bus in Rome, Italy. With my mother taking pictures of me. Yesterday, I was able to dig a little into our photos and journal from the trip. We both had the same journal, and the first day we wrote at the same time. Sharing almost identical details about the cage elevator, fabric wallpaper and overall love of Rome at first sight. She ended her journal with wishing every athiest could visit Rome. Most trips I like to know in advance, so I can look forward to it. She made a reservation for a tour with a Catholic group called: "On Angel's Wings". I made a reservation for four days before her tour started, for the plane and rooms. I was amazed at the deal I found through Italia airlines. My mother during this time, was beginning to struggle just walking. She huffed and puffed a lot, and had to sit many times. But, after this trip she used a walker to get out and about. I remember her calling me at the end of January to do this trip. It was a year after my dad had passed away. I told her I already put in for my vacation. So, I started looking on the internet, and thought I could get 2 personal days added to my 2 days off that week. It worked out, so 2 days on our own, and 2 days with the group. I had no idea what to expect, and I didn't have much time to think about it. We spent the first day walking and shopping around the Spanish Steps. My mom kept questioning why everyone was just sitting on the steps. I really did not know the answer. All I knew, I was in awe of the fresh air, ancient fountains, and fresh flowers blooming. We made it to an Art museum. But, all the walking was hard on my mom. The next day we did the bus tour around Rome. This picture of me was a surprise. I didn't know my mom was taking my picture. My mom would be attending Good Friday at the Colossium the next week. And, I was thinking how lucky she was to attend such an event. The next two days we stayed at a Covent in the Vatican City. My mom wanted to rest this day. So, I ventured to St. Peter's by myself. I felt like I was walking on air. I waited a long time in line. It was a warm day, but luckily my shoulders were covered, so I could enter. I was immediately overwhelmed. For the first time in my life I thought I was going to faint. It was the darkest, yet most exquisite space I have ever set foot in. When I witnessed Michaelangelo's "La Pieta" I had to sit down to get my composure. When I was with my sister a couple of weeks ago. She talked about seeing it at the World's Fair in 1964. I realized we never talked much about things like that. And, it was so nice to see how she described it to her husband. I loved how she could remember how shiney it was. I feel extremely lucky and grateful to have seen this sculpture twice in my life. The next day we went to Palm Sunday service. We had reserved seats for the two and a half hour service, which was in Latin. When we kneeled it was on the ancient stoned ground. It was the longest time to kneel, and I was determined to do this the required time. I saw a few people who were kneeling the whole service, who motivated me. The priest, who was part of the group my mom was traveling with, kept apologizing. And, I kept saying I was so thankful we had seats. But, he kept saying the Pope wasn't well, and the seats were by the path the "Pope mobile" usually traveled through as he exited. Overall, the Mass was amazing. The music was beautiful as it traveled through the cleanest of air. There was a gentle cool breeze on a sunny blue sky day in Spring. There were several readings from people from all over the world. Only one was in English. As we turned to leave, I could hear the roar of the crowd. I started to make out "Il Papa!!!!" And, it was getting closer. Before, I even could understand what was happening the vehicle holding the Pope stopped right in front of us. The Pope motioned for the baby (who had my mom's attention the whole service). The father picked up the baby and the Pope kissed his head. I can still hear the crowd, as it went from a silence when the vehicle stopped to a roar after he kissed the baby. I told my mom that all happened just for her. She and I were smiling ear to ear (as described in her journal). My mom kept journals, and I don't want to open them. But, revisiting this trip during Lent is such a blessing. To process it, and it had been twenty years since this trip was remarkable. During this time I was going home to a house with a swimming pool. We bought that 2 bedroom 1 bathroom house in 1993. It now was a three bedroom three bathroom house. I designed the kitchen and laundry area. It was a dream come true. And, it was finished. We took the roof off at the same time Brielle Galleries closed in 2001. And, the last piece of wallpaper was applied before we had the repass for my dad in 2003. It was so much work, but it was the biggest reward of our lifetime. The last twenty years have been a blessing. So, much to be thankful for. Just like I had no idea I would ever go to Rome, I had no idea this would be what life would be like as a sixty four year old. But, the gift of time is truley the best reward. I want to figure out how how to spend more time living, and less time thinking. That part is tricky and costly. But, I am content. And, I am looking forward to attending Mass at St. Catharines. It just so happens St. Catharines is modeled after St. Peter's in Rome. And, again we are blessed to have been baptized there. My children included. I pray hard these days with nothing in particular in mind. And, each time I go, I feel rejuvinated. But, not enough to make it there weekly. The best thing I am letting go of is guilt. And, just be thankful and celebrate the times I do get there. Quote of the Day: "It is urgent to live enchanted" Valter Hugo Mae Song of the Day: "Dont' Stop Believin" Journey. I lookied this up as this came up in a zoom call with Susan Cain (Author of a favorite book I read last year: Bittersweet and Chris Guillebeau who had this conference ten years ago. Brene Brown was in attendance! I am looking forward to Chris's upcoming book about time anxiety. These authors are young, but they are speaking a lot of relatable language to me and hitting a note about taking time. I am part of a community on Substacks. I recieved a scholarship and am so grateful to witness these intimate conversations.

Early 2024 Reflections

When I haven't written for a long time I don't know where to start. I arrived home yesterday from traveling. I was away from home for five days. I had a goal for writing every day. The only journaling I did was rubber stamping my pocket journal in the Smokey Mountain National Park. I did do a lot of thinking, and what I want to write about in the book I am working on. I am influenced by a lot of writers right now. Two of which I really focused on this trip. And, I had a zoom call with both on the Sunday before I left. They are Susan Cain of one of my most favorites reads of last year: "Bittersweet". The other being Suleika Jaouad author of "Between Two Kingdoms". I got a scholarship to be part of "The Quiet Community" on substacks through Susan Cain. It is a safe place for me on the internet. I feel safe and part of conversation among kindred spirits. I listened to "Between Two Kingdoms" on audio books during the ride. It was very long. And, it is deeply sad, real, and hopeful, all at the same time. I am trying to feel all the feels lately, while not working. All at the same time, being conscience of not getting depressed. And, this trip was exactly that. There were a number of ways I did this. Most of all I saw my sister on the anniversary of my mom's passing. And, this has been heavy on my mind for the last four years. I had to put a lot of thoughts on the back burner during Covid and my divorce. My sister has called me every single week since my divorce. We had a very strained relationship most of our adult life. And, this trip we got to have one carefree day in our adult lives. I woke up that morning feeling dizzy and nauseaous. I found through google I had mountain sickness. I had never heard of this before. But, by noon we were walking in the Smokey Mountains National Park. By the end I caught my sister skipping on video. This simple act of my sister was the most healing vision I could see. As we are aging and realistically seeing what life in our 60's is like. She will be 70 in a few years. We chat and talk non stop. We decide our next stop is Fly Ride. It is like Soarn' in Disney. You sit and are immersed in a movie as if you are flying over the United States. As we arrive the parking lot is empty. We are greeted by a sign that they closed at 3pm for a private event. We are disappointed, but not defeated. Plan B is the Aquarium. But, by this time since I didn't eat yet. I suggest we go eat. We decided the night before to go to Paula Deen's. We arrive at fun 'island" with a Jimmy Buffet Margaritaville hotel, a huge ferris wheel, a fountain with music, and a Skyride!!! Oh wow! I had forgotten I saw in the tourist pamphlets a ride like fly ride. It was right next door to Paula Deen's. It was a "steam punk" theme. Kinda victorian, with the the introduction film with english accents. The ride was through America's natural parks like the everglades, alaska, grand canyon, mount rushmore, rivers and oceans. There were a few splashes of water with a refreshing feel of the ocean spray. It ends landing in the park with fireworks. It was exactly the feeling I needed. It was a feeling of being weightless like a butterfly and flying over the beautiful landscapes. It is a feeling I will carry with me for the rest of my life. There are so many heavy weights I have carried most of my life. And, the relationship with my sister is one of them. And, this ended up perfect. My mom,dad, and brother would have wanted this for us, for sure. Time goes by so fast, and my dad had warned me of this. And, when we left each other the next day it wasn't sad, We both cherished the time we had together the day before. It was all bittersweet. Which brings me back to what my favorite authors write about. They are both Princeton graduates. And, being part of that comminity I was involved in a project I will talk about more as the month of March unfolds. On the radio I heard that Nathaniel Ratecliff is doing a concert of Leonard Cohen's music called Wordless. Susan Cain writes a lot about Leonard Cohen. His songs are very deep and meloncoly. I saw the movie and how he would suffer long periods of time with depression. Once isolating from the world for several years. But, at the end of the movie while he peformed his last concerts he skipped off the stage. So, this brings me to how sometimes we put off facing things that hurt the most. But, in the end these things can bring us the most joy. Quote of the day: A disco ball is hundreds of pieces of broken glass put together to make a magical ball of light. You aren't broken. You are a disco ball. Song of the day: Nathaniel Ratecliff singing Leonard Cohen's Famous Blue Raincoat