Cultivating Love

My biggest hill to climb in the last three years was how to cultivate love. Amanda Gorman at the Democratic Convention even talked about how our country could come back to love. Michelle Obama talked about motherly love and encouragement. This makes me feel I am not alone on my journey. I am not the only one seeking love to mend a broken heart. I find love everywhere. My senses are alive and in tune with the beautiful world we live in. Day by day I pay attention to all the goodness I can find. In what I see, hear, smell, taste, touch and feel. I try to paint it in my journals, so these feelings can stay with me. This year has been really special, because I can live in my house all day long in total quiet. Something I have never been able to do before. I started realizing music was actually replaying memories, and making me feel distracted from the present day. I realized how good it would feel to complete a book I was reading. In the winter months I would start three different books, and would lose focus. Wondering which book to pick up again. The worst part of the year was the months spent worrying if a growth was cancer, the diagnosis, the surgery and waiting to hear if I was cancer free. Then I was surprised at the loss in self confidence. I was joyful, yet still having the nagging feeling of others talking about me. So, my weapon of choice was to meditate again. I sat and looked at my bookcase, and realized all of these self help books were going to waste. All of these unused art supplies were taking up space. So, this week I am sorting through, and have three big bags ready to donate. I realized I was feeling good, but feeling vulnerable. Whenever I feel this way, I turn to a Brene Brown book. I either listen to her on the computer, or reread a book. She speaks my love language. I relate to her studies. And, feel more confident after listening or reading her words. So, another bag is going to be full of self help books to go to a women's cancer home. I also started to make small videos. This is helping me find my voice. In the quiet I feel at home. But, not speaking to anyone is driving me crazy. So, talking in these videos is helping me. The books I read last week I highly reccomend. Rising Strong helped me first in 2017. That was a very hard year with my brother being so sick and dying. Atlas of the Heart was the first book I bought in 2021 when my world fell apart. It was really too early for a book to help me. But, when I reread it, I realized it was just what I needed to cultivate love, again. I remember the first few pages were so comforting, and the format was easy on the eyes. Brene Brown went off social media this year. But, her website is helpful. We're so lucky to have someone who can help us with vulnerability. And fill us with hope and courage to face another day in this ever changing world. It seems to be spinning faster then ever!

The Yellow Brick Road

It was 1999 and I had interviewed in New York City. I was recommended by Nancy Petracco, who owned Crabtree and Evelyn in Spring Lake. Brielle Galleries was closed or closing. The interview went well, and for the first time in my life, I said I had to think about it. We had just put an addition on our house, and my twins were eight years old. I ended up taking the job. I was a manufacture's representative for about forty toy and stationery companies. My territory was central and south Jersey. It was my yellow brick road into a world of free merchandise being delivered to my door daily. The two publishing companies I represented were Workman Publishing and Andrews and McMeel. To say I loved this job was an understatement. The day of my birthday I recieved a box from All Night Media. It was a Thank You and the letter G rubber stamp including embossing powder, rubberstamp pad, and heat gun. It said this was for me to use and practice with, to help sell the product. It was the most perfect gift. Pictured here is a book I recieved as a sample. There is an ad I ripped out from the magazine Country Living ( I think). I wrote I wanted to do this for my birthday. I ended up taking Kaylyn. We waited on a very long line. I had to buy a doll she signed (I sold on Ebay). And, this book I had recieved free from my job. Kaylyn colored a page and gave it to her. My daughter told her she wanted to be an Artist like her some day. And, Kaylyn is a very talented artist today with Murals painted in the town she lives in and in the entry way of a WalMart in Pennsylvania. I may have loved this job, but it was the hardest job I ever had. I loved that I basically worked from home, and I traveled all over the state when the kids were in school. We had an unfinished bathroom upstairs I used for storage. And, a desk where I did all of the paper work. My biggest challenge was all of the best sellers from the two publishing companies were sold in Costco. But, every once is awhile I would have a gift store owner who would buy a whole display unit of Mary Engelbriet. Etoys was also a big thing at the time. So, this is when it all began....the survival of the brick and mortar store against big box and the internet. Actually, I was a merchandiser for a jewelry company, and had WalMart, Jamesways and Pathmarks. And, even two of these big box stores never survived. Which brings me where the yellow brick road brought me today. I am representing books on the internet. It is an amazing opportunity, and makes total sense for me in today's market. I don't do much ordering on the internet. But, all of things I will be sharing, I will be buying online, now. Last year I went from store to store for weeks looking for a calender. Only to order it online. I am so glad to share the Mary Englebreit's page in my shop! After twenty five years she is still at it. In this world today I find the most comfort in the things that don't seem to change, but evolve and stay.

The Butterfly Wrestler Bookshop

The last few weeks became very exciting. Like a child, I put my brush to paper. Imagining what my bookshop would look like. It was fun putting it on paper. I added a rainbow. Because, on social media I wanted to include the song "Reading Rainbow". The next day is when I saw a rainbow without rain. It is not an arched rainbow, but like a cloud rainbow. This was very rectangular. Of course, it freaked me out. I look for signs. And, I really haven't had many this year. Last year I was finding mushrooms everywhere and taking pictures. This just gives me the feeling like, I am living an enchanting life, like a fairy tale. And, seeing a rare rainbow like this made me feel all the feels. Shortly, after first seeing the rainbow, a new song from Cage the Elephant called Rainbow came on my radio. I used to call this my radio karma. Today, I would call it devine timing. Whatever it is, I'll take it! I also downloaded a vidio on you tube. I will be trying every Monday to feature a Monday minute. This week's feature will be the watercolors I have been using all year. These are actually "junior" watercolors. I don't like using tubes of paints. I don't like mixing colors. I don't like waiting for the paint to dry. And, I really don't like if the color dries much lighter then the color I thought it would be. Any other set I had before didn't have enough greens, or bright pink. So, this set is just right for me. I like the choices and brightness of the colors. Here is the link for the watercolors

Finding My Why

I write because it is scary. No, I write because it is a relief to get words on paper. I believe my training in goal setting and in taking action in my retail career is what is making me a writer today. I also believe meditation during the most challenging times gave me the confidence to follow through. I started my blog in 2008, and I haven't stopped since. I was told different things about my writing. Geralyn, who cares? That was a big one! So, sometimes I would just write and not share it (thinking no one would care). Then someone out of the blue would tell me not to stop. Then I would hear it is SO personal what you share. And, then I would pull back again. Then I would hear your latest post really inspired me. Then I would hear you write like your life is like a fairy tale, and I know it is not. So, that is why I shared the picture of the house I lived in from 2021 until 2022. This house I rode by for many years. I would wonder who lives there. I imagined a writer living there. I imagined me living there. I would have a desk at the window on the very top. I would look out the window and see the ripples of the water glittering night and day. It would inspire me into a trance of constant thoughts to paper. There is NO way I would have lived in that house if I remained married. The year before, though I actually thought of renting a place for a week in Ocean Grove. Just to have an experience I had been imagining. But, what happened was I was full of anxiety and deep rooted fear when I lived there. I wouldn't open the curtains, and bascially went to bed when I got home from work. But, I couldn't sleep. So, eventually I would go out for the sunrise. As, soon as that big ball of fire arose, I headed back to the house. It burned my eyes. I couldn't bear looking at the brightness of another day. Eventually, after my landlord and I both had COVID as we greeted 2022. Something I was very afraid of, had actually happened. Then I was in bed for fourteen days, and I lost another ten pounds. My landlord took off to Florida, and I was in that house by myself. I can't think of one day I really enjoyed myself there. And, I didn't write a word. It was an underlying fear even if I got what I wanted, someone or some thing was going to take it away from me. I also had to find a place to live in the most rediculous housing shortage. In the beginning I started looking for a storybook cottage. It was amazing what I could afford with 3% interest rate. They were adorable with stone fireplaces, and two bedrooms. I actually got invovled in the open houses on the weekend, and bids in on Mondays. I had enough control of my emotions, I just stayed in the game. But, never bid enough for my offer to be accepted. So, my time in this house was not a fairy tale. Because, how much I was driven by fear. Totally understandable and allowable I felt. So, this is why I write like my life is a fairy tale. Because, it is!!!! I lived in that frickn' house. I didn't play a damsel in distress ( I felt like one). But, no I was going to succeed life, and no one was going to stop me. I am going to live happily ever after. And, feel happy and feel scared at the same time. And, I am going to have it all on a blog. When I had the store I enjoyed writing the blog the most. But, I continued with it for no other reason, I found joy in it. I woke up and felt like writing, and so I did.

The Little One

In 2020 the first post I did was to celebrate the four year old me. I finally feel like I can put myself back in that place again. But, look forward to all that is ahead of me. This year of not working was clearing my mind, heart and soul. I felt in order to do that, I had to feel everything. Think about the past and feel it. And, it was wonderful. But, I realized how long, naturally, I have been talking to myself, unkindly. So, it has been a process. A process I have taken great pride in. I listened to what makes me happy and peaceful. If it made me nervous, I did it anyway. But, when it came to feeling vulnerable, I took a step back. Trust of others is my biggest issue. And, it is still something I am dealing with. This week I took a picture of my grandson on the same ride, as I had been on in this picture. The boats have been replaced, but it still has the bell. And, the bell still sounds the same. He took control of the steering wheel, and never let go. But, to see his smile filled my heart with joy. Sixty one years has gone by. And, I have taken a week to think and feel about that. And, it feels good. I feel good. And, I am SO grateful for all of these good feelings. So, I made a decision, I opened a bookshop. It is online. And, I get a commission for everything I sell. At one point last year, I was going to buy inventory for my Ebay shop. I looked into a few companies, and asked if it was alright to sell on Ebay. I was approved and waiting for the right time to put together an order. Last month when I was on Reese Witherspoon's Hello Sunshine website. I found this site I never heard of. I started searching and I found the items I was going to order. These are actually a few of the companies I ordered from when I had the store. And, they include some art supplies, journals, calenders, puzzles, and of course books. I placed a small order, and was pleased. I can't wait to share more. This is the feeling I have been looking for the most. It is the conclusion I came to in 2021. Purpose. And, the thing I am most good at is selling. I love creating, but feel the most vulnerable when I try to sell something I have made. So, this is how I am going to move forward. And, it involves books. Books is what has saved me the most (and friends and families). But, a book is available at any time of day or night. And, I have quite the list of books I have read this year. Authors I have met and some I have even become friends with. I get weekly emails from my favorites. My favorite group I am in is called "The Quiet Life". And, I have had zoom candle lit calls introducing me to more authors. Most of the books were self help, some memoirs and the others fiction. I can't wait to share with you all I have learned. And, if you are interested how easy it is to shop on this site. The best part is it supports local bookstores. I picked the bookstore in Manasquan for 10% of my sales to go to. I also get a 10% commission for anything sold from my shop. This is SO important to me. Because, I really believe in downtowns, and hope they can sustain this horrible economy. I also am looking forward to building a little community around books, art appreciation, travel and hosting teas virtually. I would like to use you tube as the format. I am teaching myself how to do this all, and hope to do more. And, stop just thinking about it AND doing it. The name of the bookstore is The Butterfly Wrestler and you can find it here. The title of this post is "The Little One". I was the youngest of my grandparents five grandchildren. And, they called me the "Little One". I liked it. But, I always wanted them to be proud of me. And, I knew being the little one wasn't going to get me anywhere. As I am turning 65 in a few short months I realize how much I still share the feeling of wanting to grow into myself. And, that is the BEST feeling for myself. I don't want to shrivel up, and be little. I want to expand my horizons and grow.