Take Your Time

Processing time has been the most difficult for me these last few years. I am thankful for the memories on facebook to remind me. The problem is at the same time I have been avoiding looking at my memories. Yesterday was a good day, and I took a look. I am glad I did, because it reminded me four years ago my mom was still alive. This week I want to dedicate a lot of time to her. This is a good thing, and not a sad thing. When my life took a sharp turn, a lot of decisions had to be made in a very short time. Sometimes I would wake up, and just think what would my mom do? And, I would follow through with trying to read a good book. I would go to church. I would take a ride to Atlantic City. I would call a friend. I would send a greeting card. I would just lay on the couch and watch TV. I would go to a bakery. And, all of this helped me through a really difficult time. But, many of these things cause me guilt. And, that's where I am changing my habits. And, really digging into pure joy. What gives ME pure joy. NO guilt. And, that is how I spent last year by just being. This year is the first year where I am not working until April. So, each morning I wake up and ask myself what feels right for me to do each day. And, it has gotten pretty darn close to pure joy as I think I can get. I even went to church twice so far this year. The bad feelings such as guilt and shame are starting to melt away. Self doubt is still the hardest for me. But, as I take baby steps to ask for help in dealing with life in a whole new way, I am getting there. It is a real battle sometimes. But, it is a daily push to not just wither away. A funny thing happened as I got to this point in my writing. There was blip noise and a new email from Maria Shriver. And, again I find we are on the same page. I found myself stuck for words to make a point. I started thinking of dealing with Alzheimers for my mom and dad. How every day was full of worry of what is going to happen today? Will they fall, leave an oven on, say something stupid to someone who doesn't understand and be a threat to them, will they get lost or wander off. I may not have lived with them, but they were a constant worry. And, four years ago that part of worry was over. And, then their was all of this new space in my mind. New space to worry about me. And, that is what this time has done for me. But, during this time of Lent and reflecting. I am letting it all go. And, I am going to face the future with love over fear. And, maybe just maybe my life will be better then ever. Wouldn't that be nice? I have to include the last paragraph of Maria Shriver's paragraph here. Because, her post was about living alone, also. "In the silence of the early morning dawn, when you sit all alone, know that truth. Your worth does not come from the job you have, the money you have made or haven’t made, the person you married or never married. Your worth is within your being. So, next time you find yourself alone, don’t fear yourself. Enjoy the magnificence of your own company. Listen to that voice within, the one in your heart, and allow it to guide you forward. Allow it to keep you company. Allow it to remind you of why you are here. You, my child and friend, are here to light the world on fire. There’s no doubt in my mind about that." Maria Shriver Sunday Paper Quote of the day: “Learn to be alone and like it. There is nothing more freeing and empowering than learning to like your own company.” - Mandy Hale Song of the Day: Love is Like a Butterfly by Dolly Parton

The Gift of Time

At a young age I remember saying to my mom: "Time is money, but money isn't time". And, I couldn't agree with myself any more then I do now. But, now there is a pressure I feel with my time. I do consider it a gift. And, I want to spend the time as freely as possible. And, that in my life right now is without all the guilt. I am not even going to blame my guilt on my Catholic upbringing. But, deep inside it lingers, and it is right there to say: "you can't do that!". Being free is not as easy as I thought it would be. I am making the best of it, and making good decisions. Most of all not making quick decisions on how to spend my time. I try not to get any subscriptions, and forget to use them. Getting out of weight watchers taught me that lesson. But, weight watchers also helped me the most with goal setting. So, each day runs into another. I am glad I will start working soon, and have the plan of taking some time to do some fun things on my time off. I may even take a drive to Pigeon Forge soon to see my sister. And, from there I would love to go to Asheville. The gift I showed above is from my last Ebay sale. I also have been really enjoying selling on ebay. A lot of what I am selling I really love. I thought this would be really hard for me to do. But, it is what is giving me the most joy right now. I am really liking putting in my art work. The tag was cut from a painting I didn't really like. Part of my guilt is not knowing what to do with a lot of the painting I have done. But, slowly the piles are dwindling. And, it feels better. I also started embroidering again. It takes a lot of time. But, I LOVE it! I will be part of an exhibition. I will share more information as it gets closer. It has been really helpful keeping my spirits up. Quote of the day: “Your problem is how you are going to spend this one and precious life you have been issued. Whether you're going to spend it trying to look good and creating the illusion that you have power over circumstances, or whether you are going to taste it, enjoy it and find out the truth about who you are.” ― Anne Lamott I finally finished Anne Lamott's book "Bird by Bird" and Julia Cameron's Artist's Way "It's Never too Late to Start Again". Both so helpful. I listened to "Bird by Bird" on Audible. And, the Julia Cameron's is a chapter a week with prompts. Don't suggest doing this, but I am glad I finally finished. Another thing was the guilt of not finishing by the start of the new year. But, this is my FREE time, so why do I have such strict guidelines for myself? Song of the Day: Don't Stop by Jon Batiste My internet goes in and out. When it came up this morning I recieved an email for something I have been looking for. Long Beach Island Arts Foundation already has a ceramics drop in for $35 on Saturday, but I was looking for something for FREE. And, this is what is now available: Creative Aging class. I registered for the afternoon class. I have a van that can sit six people. Please let me know if you sign up. I would be happy to drive you there.

Lots to Love

Happy Valentine's Day! I did not decorate for this day this year. In the beginning of the month I had all the supplies out to make cards. I put them away about a week ago. I ended up listing cards three weeks ago on Ebay. Not only did no one buy any, but no one viewed them either. I thought I priced them well and even offered free shipping. But, the good news is I sold one of my favorite things. My Herend Sugar and creamer. I LOVE Herend! After looking at it for so many years at Brielle Galleries. I felt so lucky to have won these in a selling contest. And, the feeling is really good, knowing someone else gets to enjoy them now. The picture is of a painting I had done a couple of years ago. I turned it into a thank you to include in the package being mailed out today. The feeling I get from doing this is helping me feel my daily paintings have more of a purpose, too. I also started another creative project I am looking forward to sharing in my social media soon, too. I am celebrating being in the latest issue of Victoria Magazine in the Reader to Reader section. I am half way through my winter break from my job. I have a couple of dates in March with the catering company. And, then hopefully in April I will have a lot more. I finished the book "Bird by Bird" by Anne Lamott and the ending was great. She said if you want to add some faith and hope to your writing go to a wedding. I have to laugh sometimes. I go to reading other Authors to get inspired. And, sometimes I naturally do things they suggest, already. I guess that means I am on the right path in my jouney to joy! Quote of the day: “Writing has so much to give, so much to teach, so many surprises.” Anne Lamott Song of the Day: I Have A Dream ABBA

Words are Powerful

Everytime I hear those three words, it calls me to action. In my present position in life, I don't feel too powerful. So, writing is my super power. I still wake up with the thought of sharing what I am thinking. Not too sure, if I will be like this forever. But, it has been what helps. I really appreciate my friends for listening to me, also. I think in the morning, after you had a bad day. If you could just ask yourself "what if". It could make all the difference the next day, so you don't have a repeat. I learned last year in painting class to answer the question "what if" in a painting. And, it really made me think about the answer. And, how this could be something that you wish for. But, since you think usually this thing is impossible. But, when you ask yourself, "how can I make the impossible the possible". If you take action, (and deal with the rejection, maybe) slowly or sometimes quickly you can turn things around. I did this today. And, so far it is working. I was getting mad at myself, yesterday, for every little thing. All the projects unfinished, the paperwork needing attention, the clothes needing to be hung up, the chicken I bought that didn't get cooked before the sell by date. I could go on. But, I think you get it. So, this morning I changed up my routine. I got some things done. And, then started to read my emails. Believe it or not, Sunday is my favorite day for emails. I have five of my favorite artists and authors email me their substacks each week. It is very inspiring with prompts and good words of love, support and encouragement. Which brings me to the power of just one word to pick for the year. I have been doing this since 2009. My word was shine, and it ended up more about my children shining, and enjoying all the light they were bringing into my life. We also celebrated the New Year in Paris, France that year. So, last year it was Be. And, I could not ask for anything better for last year. There is never any pressure to just be. And just being ends up being a creative act. Just being open to what life brings. I really can't believe it brought me retirement. Those first four months of the year ended up being life changing for me. This year I chose radiate. And, this is like shine, but has more energy. So, I would like to put more energy into my life. And, it ends up just the opposite, as of yesterday. But, this time of year I have always felt like a bear in hibernation. And, since it is a year where the choices are up to me, I can rest, and radiate the importance of rest. You can not radiate, unless you rest. So, I rested yesterday and hope to get as much done today to feel better about it tonight.

The Seeds I Have Sown

It is not ordinary To find flowers in January. Surviving another day. Finding their way To still bloom, Even after a storm. I admire them, Then pull off a stem. I take it inside, And smile wide. They teach me a lesson On surviving on my own. I am so thankful For the seeds I have sown.

BE-Longing

I am taking a wonderful writing class (it is actually called writing sanctuary). Today was the last day. Yesterday the prompt was BE-Longing. And it gave a whole new meaning to the word belonging. One of the wonderful parts of the 2023 (my year to just be) was the FREE time. If there was a call to action, it was done in my time. What a gift this is. It gave me time to recognize my feelings. Not only recognize them, but to really feel them. This is something I have naturally not had time for. When I was very young, I would cry a lot. And, I was called a cry baby many times. As I got older I really tried hard to stuff those feelings way down. Something happened when I was pregnant with the twins. I often found it hard to cry. I don't know whether it was because I didn't have the time. I don't think it was, I just didn't feel like it. I started blogging when I was approaching the empty nest. I I was planning on how to stay busy, to help with the loss of a busy bustling household. Yesterday, I found an invitation for a Christmas Cookie swap. I looked at the date, and couldn't believe it was twenty years ago. WOW! I really started to think about the last twenty years and the joy those years brought me. But, also those parties I would also be totally exhausted. My year of being has brought me REST. And, it is the best feeling. I have longed for rest. Didn't realize it until it happened. I love when I think of when I was a child and teenager. I think of all the things I longed for. And, they came true. Appreciative is all I feel for my past. That is a huge accomplishment to feel that way, so quickly after a divorce. I can't wait for this year to put into words in book form. I am longing to go to France and embrace all of these feelings and write them down. And, I think the saying "the grass is always greener on the side" keeps coming to mind. It is one of the things my mother would say to me when I was wanting, yearning or longing as a child. I just want to spend some time in France and really feel the difference between there and New Jersey. And, then I will be satisfied with the saying "bloom where you are planted."

Free Spirit Rising

This watercolor painting was done in the Spring of 2021 after months of spending a lot of time at home. I didn't like it at the time. Now, I love it. I am looking forward to my daily painting again. It is simple, easy, enjoyable and very freeing. I am happy with 4 journals I completed in 2023. They ended up representing the seasons and what I was paying attention to. In the beginning it was a way to calm down my racing thoughts. If I was able to have access to a free meditation, I followed it with the painting. I usually always listen to my favorite music at the same time. Sometimes using the words from the songs as inspiration. But, most of all I am having fun with it. This year I look forward to seeing what it brings for me. I would also love to start writing my own short quotes to combine with it. And, share it on social media with a more cohesive look. I have quite the library of things to read and meditations each morning to get me through January. I love the quiet of January and all the hope it brings me. My biggest goal is to be the free spirit my mom wanted me to be. And, to be a free spirit I feel I have to work at it. Each step I take of courage takes away my feelings of fear, doubt and guilt. I still feel I take one step up and two steps back. But, this holiday season I was very doubtful it could be joyful for me. I proved myself wrong. It was probably the best feeling Christimas I have ever had. There was no pressure of what to do. Giving is where I have found the most joy. But, this Christmas it was mostly enjoying what others created. And, the only time I really felt stressed was picking out gifts for others. I hope to make more gifts for the future, rather then buying them. And, I really feel giving people your time and full attention is a gift these days. I truly appreciate all my friends and family for the love they showed me this holiday season. Quote of the day: "To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable." - Helen Keller Song of the day: Gypsy Stevie Nicks