It's Not the End

My favorite little tiny bird I saw eye to eye with was the Carolina Wren. It was on a branch right next to me, as I was walking up to the river one day. It was singing a sweet song. One of my favorite Authors Suleika Jaouad has the written a new book. The Book of Alchemy A Creative Practice For An Inspired Life. It was the best selling book last week on my website. AND it does not come out until next Spring. I had read her book Between Two Kingdoms. A very hopeful, but truthful journey through her battle with cancer. It made me question how I was thinking. And, when I did get my diagnosis of a malignant melanoma it made me wonder a lot and think of her. I think it helped me through it in a way. Most of all her book was full of the reality of the questions and doubts that run through your mind during a time of complete uncertainty. And, by writing it out, it helps get it out of your brain. But, revovery is tough, as this is the only thing you can think about. Her weekly prompts on her newsletter: The Isolation Journal are very deep. And, really has built a strong community of survivors. And, the reality is there are more people and friendships kindled who are lost to cancer. So, it is the about grief and acceptance of great losses. This can drain you or it can motivate you. And, for me this was the scariest part. Because, at one point I was really drained and felt very isolated and hopeless. Thankfully, I can go to bed one way, and wake up feeling completely different. I really think it is because of the computer. And, then I get afraid of being addicted to the satisfaction of knowing there is a community in my lap top. This is something I noticed during lockdown. The uptick in the dependency of the computers in most interactions taking place, now is astounding. I spend my mornings on the computer. And, my days spent out of the house are my best. I make the most of painting, journaling and watch TV at night. But, I really prefer to get out and walk, shop and most of all work! I hope you enjoyed my three little paintings of birds this week. They also hold a bird in the back of the canvas. Maybe, I can take a video today to share. Quote of the day: Hope is the thing with feathers-that perches in the soul-and sings the tune without the words-and never stops-at all. And sweetest-the gale-is heard-and sore must be the storm-that could abash the little bird that kept so many warm-I've heard the cillest land-and on the strangest sea-Yet-never - in extremity-it asked a crumb-of me. Emily Dickenson Song of the day: The Tiniest Birds Sing the Sweet Songs The BE Good Tanyas

Go Your Own Way

I am having a breakthrough in my writing of sorts. But, it ends up how I want to write my second book. I will save all the details after next year. After I get it all together. It has been hard to focus on my blogging. Because, I didn't really want to share it yet. But, I felt compelled even though a lot of this process is a work in progress. This morning I wrote about Elizabeth Gilbert in my book list in my shop. This is what I said: I was lucky enough to win a scholarship at Omega Institute last year. The workshop I attended was lead by Rob Bell and Elizabeth Gilbert. It was called the Art of Creation. It had a little bit of everything including some drawing exercises, meditation and lessons on how to get unstuck. During the years 2013 and 2015 I wrote a blog called : Paris London Asbury Park. I wanted to write a book about being an empty nester. We still owned our store, but I went back to work full time. It was probably the busiest I had ever been in my life. Way different than raising twins, which took place at home. This was a long commute, Keeping the books for the store. Filling in at the store on my days off. But, the book I wanted to write was going to be personal. And, how we were navigating the empty nest. And, how our life was filled with days spent in Asbury Park. A city that was being raised from the ashes of the riots (in early 70's) like a Phoenix. Now that I am divorced, I don't want to include anyone else in the book I write. I also read Big Magic during this time. And, was a follower on social media. She really resonated with me. I subscribe to her substack. I look forward each Sunday to her posts. Her practice for more then twenty five years is to write herself a letter to herself from LOVE. I enjoy reading this each week and a special guest contributer also writes thier letter. I have tried several times to do this and just can't seem to do it. And, the last few Mondays I was going to write the letter and share it. And, I feel I am still too vulnerable. And, honestly love is the most complex feeling I am still sorting out. But, what I can write about is my own practice. I live right across the street from some woods. And, the birds sing to me most days as I leave, and arrive home. I decided to listen to the birds. And, wonder what they would say to me if they could talk. Oh God, I am imagining the lady on the steps of St. Pauls in London feeding the birds, already. This visual is from Mary Poppins, by the way. But, anyway I started writing poems. And, for me it is my very own comfort I have created for myself. Last week I completed three little paintings using acrylics. It is very different from watercolors. They break all the rules of painting I learned in college. But, these processes of breaking the rules and "going my own way" is helping me i creativly. And, sharing something I am not particularly proud of is also helping me with my confidence.

Begin Again

I have been trying to write this post for about a month. I turned 65 and feel it is an important number for me. But, it has passed. I didn't really feel very different going into it or after. I guess it doesn't mean that much to me. Yesterday, I changed my pocketbook to get ready and prepared for some traveling. I saw a picture and looked and wondered "what is this picture of my mom doing in here?". It was a sticker the hospital made the day I had surgery in May. It was black and white. I kept staring at it. It took me a very long time to realize it was me, and not my mother. It really disturbed me. Enough, so, I wondered as I caught glimpses of myself in windows yesterday. Should I change my hair color? Should I start wearing make up again? I thought I should stand taller and smile more. I guess it was an awakening. I really haven't felt myself since Sea Hear Now in Mid September. I was a different kind of tired. I had to get another growth removed. I fell and really hurt my ribs. I haven't taken an advil even, to feel better. I just accepted all of the pain, and waited to feel better. I am happy to say I feel like myself again. But, then again after seeing the picture, I felt like my mom. I realize I associate a lot of the aging process, as my mom did. I am saying things, like my mom would. And, as always, I don't like it. I am not my mom, I am me. So, as I write this, I want to be grateful to be here in this world. My biggest wish is for me to age gracefully AND naturally. I want most to be what my mom wanted for me---to be a free spirit. Wouldn't that be the wish for all of us? It is such an easy role to play. But, it really is hard for me. I still worry so much, and still struggle to be kinder to myself. It seems to be the constant theme of my writing. But, writing does free my mind, by getting it out and on paper. I am really looking forward to getting away for a little bit. It is then when I feel the most free. I like getting all my ducks in a row. So, I can get away and not think of my responsibilities. Aging is really an amazing process. And, I think I mentioned this before. I still feel it is an uphill battle. I don't want the feeling of going down hill. It is an easier feeling. But, time goes by fast enough. And, if you take your foot off the brakes, you might have life go by so fast. And, that is not what I want. I think life is better as a struggle. It makes you appreciate it more. Who wants to just see it fly by?

“In the third trimester of my life, I can’t pretend to be anyone other than who I truly am.” — FRESH HELL Tina Brown's Diary Whether you’re in your first, second, or third trimester of life, I ask you: Have you reached this point yet, of being who you truly are? Or are you still pretending?

This is what I read in an email from Susan Cain when I was trying to complete this post. Susan Cain wrote the books Quiet and Bittersweet. I listened to Bittersweet in Audible. And, it helped me immensely to get to know my creative self better. When I saw she was starting a community on Substacks, I wanted in! Thankfully, through a scholarship I was welcomed into the community. It is very engaging with emails, social media and face to face calls about twice a month with a guest. All of my favorites have been featured, and I have only missed a few of the live calls. There is a video to revisit, also. But, what is coming into play here is a common thread of divine timing. My primary doctor told me last year, what I needed most was support. For a quiet person like me who hates to ask for help,this put me in a state of crisis. Here I am naturally quiet, but I am going to have to pay someone for therapy, ask for help, or I am going to break down. I did two therapy sessions which were helpful. But, honestly they stressed me out more then anything. Through Susan Cain's live video calls they are better then therapy. And, through the timing of each and their message, I am reminded of devine timing. And, I believe I have recieved support in devine time. Just when I need it. Someone in my life comes through with something I need to talk out or write about. And, I feel it is helping me in the direction of my writing. It is uncanny. Most of all, because I DON'T have to ask for it. It finds and comes to me. Susan Cain has hit this chord with me. And, it brings me closer to why I want to write a book. It is because I want to reach someone in a time of their need. I want to be hope for someone who is struggling. I want a person who has reached the end of their rope, to BELIEVE there is always, always hope. At any age, we struggle for an answer to a struggle. We all have different personalities and approaches to life. Susan Cain always reminds me of the beauty of listening to sad music. But, what I have learned in the beauty of someone's else music or words, it stays with me. It lives inside, and somedays it comes back out in a form of a painting or words on paper. It is a gift from God. And, the more we are aware there are others like us, the less alone we feel. Thank you Susan Cain for writing about Leonard Cohen's song this week. And, thank you devine timing for me to have painted three birds, and each one with a message. When I listened to the song Anthem this week I knew I heard it all before. I saw the documentary of Leonard Cohen at the Garden Theatre about three years ago. I loved his story. It is pretty tragic, and he seemed tortured at times from his gifts of talent. But, at the end of his life he went back on stage. And, one night, they caught on film, he skipped with joy off stage. Song of the day: Leonard Cohen's Anthem Quote of the day: Eleanor Roosevelt: “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along. ' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

The Spectacular Fiona Davis

One of my favorite book signings last year was Fiona Davis. It was held in The Spring Lake Community House. One of my favorite buildings in the whole world. I still get the feeling of awe when I walk in. And, it holds very special memories for me of my childhood. It holds the library and the place I would visit Santa each year. She filled every seat in the theatre again. And, took the time with photographs of everyone in attendance. I really loved her interview. She has lived and worked in New York City her whole life. First as a actress and then as an Author. She made a core group up of author friends who support each other. Each one of the books are not just a romance of characters, but the building in which the story takes place. I was excited to read the book The Spectacular, because it took place in Radio City Music Hall. Another building which holds many special memories for me. The book was a fast read, and I passed it on to my daughter. I was thrilled to visit the show The Spectacular with the Rockettes last Christmas. I look forward to reading The Lions of Fifth Avenue which I purchased at the New York Public Library store this year. I went to the New York Public Library for the first time before I opened my Bookshop. I started a format on my blog to help promote my bookshop. And, I lost my way. Not sure if I have been sharing the right link etc. I even thought I had written a blog post about Fiona Davis, already. But, I created a whole list on my Bookshop, and this first paragraph was taken from there. This is a learning experience at it's best!!! When I figured out how to organize the lists it was a win! This week it was announced the bookstore Thunderoad books will be trading places with Kate and Co. which is amazing. The store will now be facing the lake with more light and space. It is really nice having a bookstore to visit in my hometown. And, they have been bringing the best authors to town, like Fiona Davis. I think one of the most encouraging things I learned about Fiona Davis was she graduated from the town's high school I now live in. I am really looking forward to reading her newest book, which is available for pre-order. I am also looking forward to visiting the Metropolitan Museum of Art, where the "The Stolen Queen" takes place in January 2025. If you would like to join me, please don't hesitate to contact me.

Turning 65 with Grace

Ha Ha!!! I am really deep down angry. But, thankful. So confusing, right? But, the medicare commercials, mailings, phone calls are driving me crazy. Overall, I am accepting turning 65 as a beautiful thing. I always make sure I am celebrating my birthday in an happy place. I probably worked most of my birthdays. And, not depending on someone to make it happy for me. This started at very early age. Because, all of the birthdays in my immediate family were celebrated the week of October 9 until the 13th. Except, for my grandmother and father. So, by the time my birthday rolled around most of the celebrating was over. I do have to say my mom did have some pretty amazing birthday parties which stand out. One was an horseback riding party at Circle A (it's still there) and the other was a roller skating party. I loved in the last few weeks hearing about the Mets. They are in the headlines (sort of) for being in the National League playoffs this week with the Dodgers. This brings back the best memories of my birthday week. Because, it was the same week of the World Series. And, maybe this is why I always remain so hopeful. This election year has been the hardest to remain hopeful. It's hard to talk about, because we can't predict the future. And, we all feel the outcomes of either candidate winning is hard to imagine. And, honestly I feel the media is leading the country more then the President. They are so negative, and influential on the mood and spirit of the country. I just refuse to pay attention to it, any more. I am trusting my intuition, as always. And, voting from my gut. As usual, I would never share this with anyone. Any way, back to the MIRACLE METS!!! It would make me SO happy if they made the World Series. I loved watching the series in the 80's when they played the Phillies in the World Series. I remember going to a few games with my dad. He loved to take my brother to a LOT of games in the 70's. When my dad retired in 1977, he would go to Mets Spring Training in Florida. I looked at the dates of the 1969 Amazin' Mets World Series and all of the players names. They were household names in our house. I think my favorite Met of all time was Tug Mcgraw. I just loved how he left the pitcher's mound. Tapping his mitt against his thigh. I also loved Yogi Berra and LOVE yogisms. It was great, a coach could have his sayings, words remembered. And, then most Mets players became Yankees or Phillies, and then the disappointment set in. Being so loyal to a team, and then watching them play for someone else would make me mad. Sports do teach us lessons in humanity. And, I realize I do root for the underdog. Most of all in retirement I feel like an underdog. In my writing I feel like an underdog. In my painting I feel like an underdog. But, then there is light of hopefulness to not give up. To have some kind of miraculous outlook, when my best years are now behind me. I still want more, see more, observe more and do more! More dancing for joy, especially. I know it is happening when I look at my posts and pictures. I am living the good life. And, making plans for more. And, so I can say I am turning 65 with more grace then anger. And, most of all I want to say "Let's Go Mets"! Song of the Day: I'm Here Cynthia Erivo for the Color Purple Quote of the Day: "If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be." Yoggi Berra

Sticking to It

I am doing everything within my power to make this a happy birthday. What I find within my power to make myself happy is to follow through with my thoughts. Thankfully, this is much easier to do these days. I finished the tv series "Dickinson" from Apple TV this week. I knew it would make me sad. It reminds me of when I finished Anne with an E during lockdown. The common thread from everything I enjoy is many. The beginnings are very graphic and Dickenson included Victorian images each episode. I loved the dresses, which were very April Cornell-like. I loved they used common modern slang while they talked, even if it was an historical piece representing the Victorian Period. Also, the music was modern. Many times they paid homage to rapping, which after all is poetry. And, finally each title was taken from her poems. There were 30 episodes for a total of fifteen hours spent with the Dickinson family. Some days I just wanted to jump in my car and drive to Amherst. But, I resisted. Then it made me want to take out my calligraphy supplies. I finally did this today, and made a little poem. I used die cuts to make the tiny pocket. And, used stickers from this book: . It contains many Victorian imagaes of books, fountain pens etc. I bought the book when I visited the New York Public Library. I am looking forward to making some more of these little poems and affirmations. I am also looking forward to getting another book of stickers I ordered for my birthday. I'll write more about it next time! I really enjoyed using a calligraphy pen set and use all of the inks. Sadly, the company Victorian Trading Company who made the ink set closed after covid. My mom loved to buy me a little something from this catalog each year. I also have decided to sell some of my other calligraphy supplies on ebay. They are just taking up room, because I haven't used them. The word forever took on a new meaning after watching this show. I read and reread the poem. And, it gives a more realistic view of the word forever. The saying nothing lasts forever is another way of looking at forever sadly. But, to think of forever as nows is a really nicer way of looking at forever. Forever – is composed of Nows – ‘Tis not a different time – Except for Infiniteness – And Latitude of Home – From this – experienced Here – Remove the Dates – to These – Let Months dissolve in further Months – And Years – exhale in Years – Without Debate – or Pause – Or Celebrated Days – No different Our Years would be From Anno Dominies – Reading an Emily Dickinson poem or learning about her in school. I always pondered how she was remembered and taught about in school. Watching the show I felt a kinship with her. I also felt she had a lot in common with Walt Whitman. And, I liked how they both wrote at the same time. And, they showed her reading "A Blade of Grass". Is it her writing about the Civil War that made her famous? They did show how she struggled with the idea of fame. Ironically any time she was published, her name was not mentioned. Her father was against her being published, because she was a woman.

Forever is Composed of Nows

Forever is Composed of Nows. It's hard to believe two weeks ago I stopped into the Book Garden in New Egypt, NJ. I was looking for a book on Emily Dickenson. A few days later I found, by chance, the show Dickenson on Apple Plus TV. My allergies started acting up, I fell and hurt my ribs and I had my surgery on Tuesday( it was no comparison to the first one, this one was very easy). So, this picture taken last night shows I am feeling much better, then the two weeks following Sea Hear Now. I LOVE this quote from Emily Dickenson "Forever is Composed of Nows". The shows titles for the 30 episodes are all taken from her poems. Through meditation I should know by now to live in the present. But, it is still very hard for me. I constantly think of the past, and worry about the future. But, the busier I am the better. So, when I got the text yesterday "Do you want to see the Doobie Brothers at the Garden State Arts Center? It was an instant yes. I am pictured with Terisa Taylor. I met Terisa through my friend Jessica Varion Carrol. Jessica and Jennifer Tuma-Young are Inspired Girls Publishing. I had bought the book Magnificently Made in the Spring. I started reading it October 1st. Concentrating on one of the 33 stories of extraordinary women each day. When I heard I was going to be seeing Terisa that evening. I dove right into her story. I loved the way she wrote of her life. It was about seeing her life as a dance, and a fairy tale. I often think of my life as a fairy tale. So, to have this picture taken was a gift. I think it shows our resilliance to unseen circumstances life can bring, but you can still end up dancing through life. And, if we make up our mind to create mindful NOWS we can live happily ever after, forever. Last week I made a list of some of the Inspired Girls books available in my bookshop. I am including a link. The photo on the Inspired Girls page is from the event SOAR I attended. It stands for Seize Opportunity and RISE. I am looking forward to the event later this month. I have met so many of the authors in the last year. It is hard for me to focus on my own writing. But, I truly love to be inspired, more then telling my own story. But, I have BIG plans for next year. And, I will have a good amount of solitude to focus on my writing, again.