The Wonder of It All

My internet was going on and off for days now. I wasn't following any schedule, and I didn't really have to get anywhere on a timeline. So, most of all I didn't care. But, this really showed me how curious I really am. Because, I would have to remember to go back to answer something I was wondering about. October was about letting go of fear and let in love. And, I was in for some surprises. Did you know boredom is fear? I easily came up with 30 things (or feelings) I wanted to let go of. I painted most days and at the end of the month I had a book. I will share soon. Ebay is letting me let go of the stuff. Painting is helping me process my feelings. And, the good old computer is helping answer all the questions I still have swirling in my head. I was writing about Brielle Galleries the last blog post. And, I said I was going to write about a recommendation letter Ira had handwritten for me. I decided not to. This week I was so sick I took a covid test, thankfully it was negative. I went out one day, and the guilt of maybe spreading it weighed me down like a rock. I called out of work. And, today I am thankful I did that. I was able to list a lot on Ebay this week. And, I was successful in selling, too. And, I am really thankful I was able to update my shop. This brought some really nice reviews, feedback and followers. I also have been handwriting goals, and I saw only one last week I did not follow through with. And, that was making fairies. I glittered about twenty, but only completed five. I was going to name them fairy godmothers, but now have decided on "the butterfly wrestlers" to make them more of me. I love making them, but each one took a lot of time. I really wanted to personalize each one. They are all photographed. Today I hope to list and schedule them to be released on "All Souls Day". When I made the first two a couple of months ago they were based on my mom and a good friend who got me through the death of my brother. I was going to name it after them. And, then last week I just made a few, and enjoyed it much more. Because, the hard part of letting go is the emotional attachment to things. I was really happy with the way they turned out. It reminded me of an Artist that made "Little Soul Dolls". We had a huge inventory of these dolls the last year we were open at Brielle Galleries. They were one of my favorite things to sell there. Yesterday I wondered if they had a website. They did! I am so glad they are still in business. In the years that followed Brielle Galleries, it has been hard to see so many companies go under and lose value. This gave me a big burst of confidence to start and release my butterfly wrestlers to the world, now. The quote of the day is a page from a book I pictured on this blog post. The book of quotes I chose to sell on ebay this week, too. Song of the day: Learning to Fly Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

The Joy of Letting Go

October is so full of changes, but it could be my favorite month. It has always been a bittersweet month for me. I grew up in a house where letting go was a real problem. I bought things only because I loved them. I have been on this journey of letting go of "beloved things" for a LONG time!!! On October 4th I brought most of my China dishes, and crystal to sell to Replacements LTD. It was complete release of what I valued in life. Some of it I valued so much, I didn't use for fear I would break it. So, this is a thought that needed the most changing. This is the thought that made selling it easier. But, then as I drove away the more fear of not getting the check sunk in. What if the bottom fell out of the box, and it all broke? What if the person going through it decides it is not the value they told me in writing in the offer? You get the idea. I am happy to say I got the check yesterday. It was a long three weeks waiting. The crazy part is the check was $20 more then my last attorney bill due. When I was thinking of putting the money away for when I go to France next year, it was much easier. But, I did manage to come up with some money to buy my favorite dishes from Nathalie Lete at Anthropologie. And, I use them every day. And, they do make me joyful. I have started to list some small things (easy to ship) on Ebay. They are three pieces of hand painted dishes made by Herend in Hungary. And, these are really tough to let go of. Because, I won them. Back in the late 90's the store I worked at Brielle Galleries, brought in sales representatives once a month. There would be an incentive to sell their products. We would watch a video about how and where they would be made And, why what we were selling was so valuable. I also learned through the customers. I will never forget a customer who went to Hungary to buy Herend. And, he told me there was no store like Brielle Galleries. There was not one store that had space big enough to hold the inventory. And, no owner could afford to buy the amount of inventory. We had every pattern, color and size. We had the same pattern Queen Victoria (the pattern was named after her). It basically was a museum, but we were selling. I would just imagine the houses they were going into. Replacements LTD was ten times the space. When I walked in there was a beautiful gallery wall. It was made to look like autumn leaves blowing in the wind. In Brielle Galleris there were beautiful tablescapes of beautiful fall colors. And, the silver was amazing. We had a whole room of Buccelatti, which was made in Italy. This was three times the size. The Silver tea services were exquisite. I was so glad I finally had chance to be in a place that I had recommended to others since the 90's. As, we approached the millenium we had more and more customers ask if we could buy their dishes, silver and crystal. This was the beginning of a big change in the world. We started having companies come in to buy gold. We used to have a line waiting to buy the day after Christmas, where the holiday patterns would be 50% off. Now, we only had lines of people selling thier heirloom jewelry. The store closed after being in business for thirty five years. It was a hard lesson in accepting change. Tommorow's post will be the encouraging words Ira left me in a letter of recommendation. And, the opportunities he gave me creating items to sell at the store. This morning I just spent some time working on my ebay store. I was able to name my store The Butterfly Wrestler. For now it is going to be items I am letting go of. In the future it will be supplies for a Butterfly Wrestler community. It will be full of journals, pens and greeting cards for writing. And, watercolors and paper to paint on. The link to my store is here. Quote of the day:“Holding on is believing that there's only a past; letting go is knowing that there's a future.” -Daphne Rose Kingma Song of the Day: I feel the Love The Heavy

The Morning After

I spent the day yesterday at a SOAR symposium. The perfect day at the Sandy Hook Chapel. I was surrounded by kindred spirits in a sacred space full of a rich history. Not, only as a beautiful natural setting, but of a place where our country was ready for war. It is also where the British gathered to be brought back to England after the Revolution. A great example of something good coming out of hard times. When the store I managed April Cornell closed it's doors in Spring Lake, I was facing hard times. My thoughts were just not with myself, they were with my customers, the owners of the business, the owners of the building, the community, and basically with all of the downtowns of America. Covid took quite a one-two punch on small businesses. Little did I know for the future of that store. But, it wasn't what I expected or where all these bad thoughts were going. It became Thunder Road Books, and by December of 2021 I was attending a "Rise and Write" class there. It is there I met Jessica Varian Carroll, who is co-founder of SOAR. SOAR stands for Seize Opportunity and Rise Together. It was just what the doctor ordered for me! Jessica is also a part of Inspired Girls Publishing. I sat next to another member of Rise and Write Jill Ciccone. She just published a book with a release coming up very soon! This six hour time frame was FULL of "Inspiristas" AND LOVE. It was full of hugs, kind words, inspiration. But, most of all encouragement. The theme of the event was Self Love and all were encouraged to wear white and/or lace. This morning is like Christmas My mom used to let us go and get our stockings when we first woke up on Christmas morning That way my parents weren't awoken very early to the sounds of us yelling "SANTA was HERE!"!.!! This morning I had a swag bag to go through It is full of books, gifts of inspiation, handmade treasures and a chocolate kiss. The overall theme was threaded together like magic through story telling, music and meditation. The theme was love and spreading love. It was about making a ripple which turns into waves. Emotions were high as we all experienced the love and caring for each other in the room. It was the magic of Christmas on an ordinary day in October. Thank you Jenn & Jess for creating the most inspirational day full of love I have ever witnessed in my life. Quote of the day: "To see and be seen that is the truest nature of love." Brene Brown Song of the day: Pulled Up Talking Heads

Taking a JOY ride!

Well my birthday week is over. But, yesterday we celebrated my friend's birthday by taking a JOY ride. I am getting closer and closer to feeling JOY. I had about a two year interuption, and am still not there yet. With my new van, it is bringing the possibilities to light. I still have a terrible way of thinking. The what ifs, the I don't knows, the what the past has proven, and the I don't have enough money or time are still taking up the majority of my brain. But, being with a friend and talking things out really helped. I have lots of ideas for taking more JOY rides. And, if there is any place you would like to go in the tri-state area I am all ears. The good part of my belief system is I believe in wishes, and wishes coming true. And, sometimes we all just need a little validation or support in making dreams come true for ourselves. So, my motto is: Don't ever stop wishing! When I was with Zandra in the beginning of the summer, we were making some art together. We swapped some supplies. I started mentioning places I wanted to go. I mentioned the "Big Rusty" sculpture, and luckily Zandra knew what I was talking about. So, yesterday we made it happen. It did not disappoint. I also loved the days leading up to our trip. I watched many you tube videos. It is like a fairy tale in the making. Thoman Dambo has an excellent Instagram @thomasdambo and follows his adventures all over the world creating Giant Trolls from recycled materials. His current location is Los Angeles and he is making a new installation there. After reading about him, I learned he started out in Denmark as a rapper. So, when he finishes a project, he will rap a poem while filming it. His videos are very personal, yet professional. The news has been very heavy lately. And, for my own personal well being, I am trying to pay attention to the positive peacemakers in the world. I want their voices to be the loudest. The building he chose in New Jersey was a run down ceramics building with grafitti. And, this all speaks very loudly to me. It represents New Jersey. Most of his sculptures are deep in forests. But, this one is made of cement blocks, bricks and scrap wood from the abandoned building. It says "don't feed Big Rusty". I just think it speaks volumes. He also makes birdhouses as markers for each Troll. I made a reel on Instagram. But, I will add more of the pictures and video to my stories today. This is a great post I found, with some great quotes. Song of the day: They May be Giants: Put a Birdhouse in your Soul

Wrestling My Thoughts

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear in that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the World. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own Light shine, we consciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." By Marianne Williamson Words are powerful. Writing has been the most positive thing in my life, for the last fifteen years. It allows me to process my thoughts, and reverse the script that creeps into my brain. When I first started to meditate I paid close attention to how I thought, I was disgusted with myself. I thought: "why waste your time struggling to do everything right, and not give yourself any credit?". So this October through my art, and actually taking my dishes to North Carolina. I am letting go. I am living up to my mom's mantra (bumper sticker) Let Go Let God. I still have a lot of feelings and physical stuff to let go of. When it is hard I read this quote, and close my eyes for about ten minutes. Then I am alone with myself and think. And, fifteen years later my thoughts are kinder and more tender to myself. Now, I can take what I have learned in the last year. I really look at what I pay attention to, now. And, I am not letting the outside world in as much (not watching news and trying not let the weather effect my decisions). So, I realize now, how curious I really am. And, I wondered what my fascination with the lavender fields is. And, lavender fields represent peace on earth. And, that is my biggest wish. Not just for myself, but for everyone. Song of the day: Life is a Carnival by the Band

Straightening My Crown

The difference between this year and last is astounding to me. It was to be a year of reflection, finding peace of mind, and letting the dust settle. But, it became a whirlwind of changes. With the burden of responsibility falling on myself. I never would of thought I would be collecting social security. I knew I was a homeowner, but didn't think I was moving until last May (I moved in November last year). I didn't think I would still be paying doctor's bills for help that I finally seeked. I thought all of my attorney's fees were paid for this time last year. I spent a lot of money on my car last year, only for the same problem to come back, and since it was a 2016 (not that old) I thought I would still be driving that car. I NEVER thought I would sell on Ebay again. The really hard part of all this, it was all out of my control. I didn't see these things coming. And, I try to plan as much as possible. Well, I am beginning to change. I made a conscience plan of just letting things happen and dealing with them. Well, dealing without any anger was the hard part. I decided to feel every feeling this year and just let everything be. I have done a really good job of that, and I am finally feeling more of a lightness. Because, from all of these changes I am in a better place. I have more freedom then ever. And, I am looking forward to using the freedom in better ways. I still am planning for an Artist residencey in the South of France next year. I also found one in upstate New York I would like to attend. I should be able to swing it. Especially, when I think of the doctors, attorney, AND movers I paid for in the last two years. I should be able to spend this money without the feeling of insecurity I have. But, I don't, I keep on thinking of what the doctor told me. She gave me a hug actually. And, she said I need support. And, without asking there has been so much support, friendship and hugs this year. But, I still started to think I needed to ask for support in some way for next year's endeavor. I started looking into substacks, which is an email you would ask readers to subscribe to. But, that needs a lot of researching. So, I am sticking to blogging. And, then I looked into crowdfunding. I was getting close to doing a indigogo campaign. I even had some perks I started to create ( I am going to list on ebay soon). Then yesterday the place I want to go to in France started their own indiegogo campaign. It is here if you don't know what I am talking about. So I think I am going to do a campaign and wait until Giving Day in November (The last Tuesday). The bottom line is I HATE asking for help. I was born this way. I had a conversation with my sister two years ago on my birthday. And, she reinforced what my mom always said about me. It really made my mom mad at me at a young age. Whenever someone in the family tried to help me I would exclaim "ME DO". I would shoo everyone away from me. When it came for me to tie my shoes, it was a struggle for every single person in the household. This independent spirit didn't help me in many ways. It really was a struggle for me as a manager. Because, especially when I worked in a department store. There is NO way I can do that job by myself. And, it was a struggle when I left my last job, because I believed I could do it by myself. That is not fair to have that kind of vulnerability in this day and age. Every store in a mall should have two people in it, at all times. Especially, opening and closing. And, here is my problem, I would have fought for this, if I stayed. And, the bottom line is I surrender, before I fight for something for myself. I want the opportunites next year, so much. I am ready to fight for it AND ask for help. I hope you will help in some way, even if it is just sharing my campaign in late November. Quote of the Day: Don't be afraid to ask questions. Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I do that every day. Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don't know something, and to learn something new. Barack Obama Song of the Day: Help by the Beatles

The Power of Prayer

I believe in wishing, meditating, prayer and dreaming. I believe when we do these things, and keep all of these things to ourselves. Our dreams and wishes will come true. The last two years all of these things have been done by me on a daily basis. With so much alone time, it is easy to find the time to daydream. And, so many wishes and wants have come true for me without even asking. That is the most amazing thing. It is not without hard work, though. But, this post is mostly about thinking something, and not really paying attention to when you want something to happen. Just being was my mantra for this year. And, it was amazing and is still amazing how many of these wishes have come true. I used to write a lot about this when I opened my store in Asbury Park. And, when I started to think about it, I really amaze myself! I started my blog in the Fall of 2008. In 2008 Boscov's (a department store I had worked at since it opened in 2000 in Eatontown, NJ}closed. So that is fifteen years I have been blogging. And, I am pretty consistent with it. My early belief system growing up was not to tell your wish, because if you did it would not come true. When I started blogging I realized that is not true. Because, something I could write about, someone would come in and make a wish come true for me. So, like thinking, I just did it without thinking about the outcome. These pictures I have been sharing this week are a dream come true for me this year. The top I am wearing is from April Cornell. It was called the Artist shirt. And, I bought it to wear to work. But, it is one of the tops I kept. I didn't really wear it in the three years since the store closed. So, whenever I went through my clothes I considered getting rid of it. But, most of all I wanted to wear it AND feel like an Artist. So, I was so happy to have the opportunity to wear if for these pictures. This was also the first time I had professional pictures taken and it felt good. I wasn't worried what I looked like. I had no make up and didn't touch my hair. I walked up to the farm in a torrential rain storm, and the shirt was still pretty wet for the pictures. I didn't care. I made the crown a week before at Pleasant Valley Lavender farm. (Isn't that amazing how that worked out). I felt calm among the lavender. And, most of all I felt content. I met some really amazing Artists that night. And, I still have that looming question of how do you devote your life to being an artist? Because, I still have a lot of self doubt and financial stress. My next post will be about this and my biggest weakness. Most of all, I want to leave you with what has happened in my life that I am so thankful for. Like working for April Cornell. I had admired her since the 1980's. I remember when Kaylyn was seven I was working full time and I bought her a beautiful black floral dress for Christmas. I bought her a couple more the next year. We all were invited to a destination wedding with a mother's day brunch the next day. I remember how I was sweating bullets because I finally bought a dress for myself. And, a beautiful crocheted topper! Lately, I took some time to read a book April Cornell wrote called "April Cornell at Home". And, I thought how lucky I am to fill my home with her linens I had bought while the store was in Spring Lake. And, then I read what she wrote to me, when I brought it to Vermont for her to sign. She wrote to "the lovely and beautiful Geralyn". And, I thought to myself how I finally feel like the person she wrote that to. And, that is what these beautiful photos I am sharing are all about. Wouldn't it be terrible if I left this earth and didn't appreciate who I really am? Truely this is what my year of being has taught me. I just can't believe it took sixty four years!!! Quote of the day: “Without leaps of imagination or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all is a form of planning.” – Gloria Steinem. Song of the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HVJXhIvpvq0 Power of Prayer Bruce Springsteen

Keep The Fire Burning

After three days with twenty four hours of driving time by myself, I have plenty to share. But, I am just exhausted. And, I am still full of doubt. I am still very goal oriented in my months of retirement. Which I think overall is a very good thing. But, when I go to write, everything still seems so random. And, I worry I may have readers who are losing interest. I think I mentioned substacks before. And, if you don't know what it is, I can't really help. But, it is becoming my goal. Because, it could be a way to generate income from my writing. I am afraid to make it a goal, and have to invest in a new computer. Every goal I am making is in the least costly fashion, right now. So, I am still going to blog. I am going to list on Ebay, which should generate some money, too. And, then by what I am selling, share what I am letting go of. October is my birthday month. I have a lot to celebrate. I also have a lot to let go of. So, it is really hard to focus on a post. I really enjoyed the last couple of days. I spent one day in Maryland on my way to North Carolina, and one on my way back. I loved getting to hold my new grandson, and got in lots of snuggles. I also got to my favorite pumpkin patch to visit with Everett, who turns four next month. I savor every second I am with my daughter and her beautiful family. The weather was outstanding. Allowing me to sleep in their cottage, which has no heat. My trip to North Carolina was to bring my dishes, good china and crystal to sell at Replacements LTD. I will do a whole post about it, once I get the check ($). It was good for my emotions, to really see how attached I can get to my "stuff". I mean the punch bowl that I served Christmas punch in for more then twenty years was hard to part with. Writing about things like this is very validating for me. Because, as I try to forget about my past and move on. I am realizing I don't want to ever think it never happened. Quote of the Day: "Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened". Dr. Suess Song of the Day: Promised Land by Bruce Springsteen sung by Brandon Flowers at the Ocean Avenue Stomp Sold Out show at the Stone Pony During Sea Hear Now Still Can't Believe I was there and Ian was on stage. Pinch me!