The Butterfly Wrestler

My internet was going on and off for days now. I wasn't following any schedule, and I didn't really have to get anywhere on a timeline. So, most of all I didn't care. But, this really showed me how curious I really am. Because, I would have to remember to go back to answer something I was wondering about. October was about letting go of fear and let in love. And, I was in for some surprises. Did you know boredom is fear? I easily came up with 30 things (or feelings) I wanted to let go of. I painted most days and at the end of the month I had a book. I will share soon. Ebay is letting me let go of the stuff. Painting is helping me process my feelings. And, the good old computer is helping answer all the questions I still have swirling in my head. I was writing about Brielle Galleries the last blog post. And, I said I was going to write about a recommendation letter Ira had handwritten for me. I decided not to. This week I was so sick I took a covid test, t

October is so full of changes, but it could be my favorite month. It has always been a bittersweet month for me. I grew up in a house where letting go was a real problem. I bought things only because I loved them. I have been on this journey of letting go of "beloved things" for a LONG time!!! On October 4th I brought most of my China dishes, and crystal to sell to Replacements LTD. It was complete release of what I valued in life. Some of it I valued so much, I didn't use for fear I would break it. So, this is a thought that needed the most changing. This is the thought that made selling it easier. But, then as I drove away the more fear of not getting the check sunk in. What if the bottom fell out of the box, and it all broke? What if the person going through it decides it is not the value they told me in writing in the offer? You get the idea. I am happy to say I got the check yesterday. It was a long three weeks waiting. The crazy part is the check

I spent the day yesterday at a SOAR symposium . The perfect day at the Sandy Hook Chapel. I was surrounded by kindred spirits in a sacred space full of a rich history. Not, only as a beautiful natural setting, but of a place where our country was ready for war. It is also where the British gathered to be brought back to England after the Revolution. A great example of something good coming out of hard times. When the store I managed April Cornell closed it's doors in Spring Lake, I was facing hard times. My thoughts were just not with myself, they were with my customers, the owners of the business, the owners of the building, the community, and basically with all of the downtowns of America. Covid took quite a one-two punch on small businesses. Little did I know for the future of that store. But, it wasn't what I expected or where all these bad thoughts were going. It became Thunder Road Books, and by December of 2021 I was attending a "Rise and Write" cla

Well my birthday week is over. But, yesterday we celebrated my friend's birthday by taking a JOY ride. I am getting closer and closer to feeling JOY. I had about a two year interuption, and am still not there yet. With my new van, it is bringing the possibilities to light. I still have a terrible way of thinking. The what ifs, the I don't knows, the what the past has proven, and the I don't have enough money or time are still taking up the majority of my brain. But, being with a friend and talking things out really helped. I have lots of ideas for taking more JOY rides. And, if there is any place you would like to go in the tri-state area I am all ears. The good part of my belief system is I believe in wishes, and wishes coming true. And, sometimes we all just need a little validation or support in making dreams come true for ourselves. So, my motto is: Don't ever stop wishing! When I was with Zandra in the beginning of the summer, we were making some art t

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear in that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the World. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own Light shine, we consciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." By Marianne Williamson Words are powerful. Writing has been the most positive thing in my life, for the last fifteen years. It allows me to process my thoughts, and reverse the script that creeps into my brain. When I first started to meditate I paid close

The difference between this year and last is astounding to me. It was to be a year of reflection, finding peace of mind, and letting the dust settle. But, it became a whirlwind of changes. With the burden of responsibility falling on myself. I never would of thought I would be collecting social security. I knew I was a homeowner, but didn't think I was moving until last May (I moved in November last year). I didn't think I would still be paying doctor's bills for help that I finally seeked. I thought all of my attorney's fees were paid for this time last year. I spent a lot of money on my car last year, only for the same problem to come back, and since it was a 2016 (not that old) I thought I would still be driving that car. I NEVER thought I would sell on Ebay again. The really hard part of all this, it was all out of my control. I didn't see these things coming. And, I try to plan as much as possible. Well, I am beginning to change. I made a conscien

I believe in wishing, meditating, prayer and dreaming. I believe when we do these things, and keep all of these things to ourselves. Our dreams and wishes will come true. The last two years all of these things have been done by me on a daily basis. With so much alone time, it is easy to find the time to daydream. And, so many wishes and wants have come true for me without even asking. That is the most amazing thing. It is not without hard work, though. But, this post is mostly about thinking something, and not really paying attention to when you want something to happen. Just being was my mantra for this year. And, it was amazing and is still amazing how many of these wishes have come true. I used to write a lot about this when I opened my store in Asbury Park. And, when I started to think about it, I really amaze myself! I started my blog in the Fall of 2008. In 2008 Boscov's (a department store I had worked at since it opened in 2000 in Eatontown, NJ}closed. So t

After three days with twenty four hours of driving time by myself, I have plenty to share. But, I am just exhausted. And, I am still full of doubt. I am still very goal oriented in my months of retirement. Which I think overall is a very good thing. But, when I go to write, everything still seems so random. And, I worry I may have readers who are losing interest. I think I mentioned substacks before. And, if you don't know what it is, I can't really help. But, it is becoming my goal. Because, it could be a way to generate income from my writing. I am afraid to make it a goal, and have to invest in a new computer. Every goal I am making is in the least costly fashion, right now. So, I am still going to blog. I am going to list on Ebay, which should generate some money, too. And, then by what I am selling, share what I am letting go of. October is my birthday month. I have a lot to celebrate. I also have a lot to let go of. So, it is really hard to focus on a