Acceptance

I made this journal over the weekend. It is a Mary Cassatt pastel from a 1989 Sotheby's Catalogue. I made a copy on sticker paper and attached it to a compostition book. I started mapping out a train trip on an Acela train. Going from Boston, Philadelphia and New York. It ended up being way beyond my means. I kept scrolling different Museums and writing down addresses etc. When I went back to facebook. A class came up for the Barnes in Philadelphia. I read it was two young woman curators for the Exhibit at Philadelphia Museum of Art. It was Tuesday Nights in June. I thought this would be perfect, and I wouldn't have the cost of travel. The class was $199. I gave it a lot of thought. And, then noticed there was a scholarship. I would just have to apply at no cost. While I was going through the news of having cancer, I also recieved an answer to an application for a fellowship. I applied at the end of March, and it would have been two weeks at an Artist Residency in the South of France. There were 113 applicants, and two women won. They featured their pictures, and I am looking forward to following them. It doesn't cost anything to apply, so I will still give it a shot, again. I also entered a writing contest through Princeton University concerts, and the winners were announced last week at the reception. I was able to hear the winner speak and read her entry. I was very thankful I did not win. I hate public speaking. As much as I was disappointed that I didn't win either of these. I am very proud I applied. Also, I consider myself the biggest winner, when I found out there was no cancer in my lymph nodes. And, all the cancer was removed for the growth. So, I decided I had nothing to lose for applying for the scholarship. And, Monday I decided I just had to see the exhibit for myself. I was so happy I did. I learned so much. And, can't wait to learn more! Because, I won the scholarship! And, I am at the ready with my composition book. And, the five favorite postcards of the exhibit. Quote of the Day: Acceptance, under someone else's terms, is worse than rejection. Mary Cassatt Song of the Day: You Can't Always Get What You Want Rolling Stones

First Step

I had a good doctors appointment on Friday. But, still felt the need for more rest. And, by Monday morning, I flew the coop. Now, I am ready to get back to work and get back to living life again. It is hard for me to press a pause button, and just rest. I am totally going with how I feel. And, now I am happy to start focusing on something other then myself. I decided to focus on Mary Cassatt, an independent artist who worked more then one hundred years ago. I learned so much about her over the weekend. But, yesterday's exhibit at the Philadelphia Museum of Art was a feast. The first time I saw her paintings was at the National Gallery of Art in Washington DC in 1983. I had not studied Art, yet. I would buy 5 postcards of my favorite paintings. And, I remember thinking I wasn't surprised it was a woman Artist. By the end of the 80's I got my degree in Art, and realized how astounding that was. Also, revisiting the National Gallery in 1989, and really looking to see how many Artists were women.....only her. So, I wondered if I would see much change in my lifetime. And, yes it is amazing the amount of change in the last ten years. I feel since COVID, especially. There is the issue of not just gender, but race too. And, then (ugh) politics comes into the picture and you lose me. But, I loved this exhibit. Mary Cassatt did end up supporting women's sufferage. She also led a life in France, and not America. She not only was the only woman accepted in the Salons during Impressionism. But, she was the only American. She came from an affluent family from Pennsylvania involved in the train industry. But, her father told her she had to support herself in France. He was not funding her stay there. Wow! I just learned in 1894 she was able to buy a country home in France about an hour west of Paris. She also put in modern bathrooms, electricity and kitchen. She employed groundskeepers and had a live in housekeeper. She left a good sum of money and her paintings to the housekeeper. The paintings were sold at auction the next year. Again, a lot of Artists had a hard time finding their worth during their lifetime. Most paintings become more valuable after you die. And, impressionism was not accepted in the Art World at first. When I studied Art I was surprised most of the famous masterpieces were located in Europe. But, I am now learning the United States has a vast collection. Thanks to art collectors like the Annenburgs, Barnes and the Cone Sisters. Another irony is Wal-Mart owners started Crystal Bridges Museum of American Art In 2011, the Crystal Bridges Museum of American Art opened in Bentonville, Arkansas (also the headquarters of Walmart). My daughter visited there a few years ago. She brought me a post card of a Mary Cassatt painting. And, that painting was part of the exhibition. Quote of the day: "Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." - Martin Luther King Jr. Song of the day: The Good Life Jon Batiste

The Littlest Birds

My friends sing the prettiest songs. I still can't believe my college friend Liz was here to share one my proudest days with me, yesterday. As we walked into the exhibit I mentioned one of my favorite pieces, was exhibited next to mine. Then we were on line to grab a bite to eat. The person in front of me introduced herself as the maker of my favorite. So, I was able to ask if that was a song the words: "The Littlest Birds" sing the prettiest songs". She said it was. I listened to it this morning and will share it as the song of the day. The timing of this program Music Heals, for me spans from January until now. I dug deep reading three books: Suleika Jaouad's Between Two Kingdoms, Jonathan Biss's book on his relationship with playing Beethoven and Adam Haslett's book Imagine Me Gone. The subject matter was deep and spanned dealing with Cancer, Anxiety and family relationships with mental illness. But, the timing is what I can not get over in relation to what I just went through. When I went to the exhibit on April 11 I did not know I had cancer, yet. And, to go back yesterday, and to have gone through what I just went through in the last month was mind blowing. I knew deep down from all of this I was learning a lesson. But, up until this morning I still couldn't put it into words. But, this morning it is clear. My struggle is my writing and painting. Why do I feel compelled to do it each day? And, even bigger is why do I want to share it? I, by nature, hate attention. I hate being taken care of. But, the conclusion of everything I went through was. I couldn't keep any of what I was going through to myself. I had to tell my children. And, I didn't need to ask for help. They were my mama birds. Making sure I was fed and taken care of. I told my friends, and they sang the sweetest songs. (NOT to say my children did not). My interactions yesterday with the organizers of the program was sweet. And, the sweetest moment was telling them if I watched that first zoom call. And, Diane said to submit the embroidery to be judged. In order to be displayed at Princeton University. I would have NEVER participated. It was the acceptance of all the entries, which gave me the confidence to enter. This was all a lesson I really needed to learn about myself. And, most of all I can move forward not needing to be curious about much anymore. I can get back to my journey. I am healing from a broken wing. And, I now know I am not doing this for attention. I am doing my writing and painting to help me grow AND heal. And, it is the sweetest time of my life. When I open the door each day (not many these days) I hear the songs of the sweetest birds. I actually have been keeping a record with a phone app. I am looking forward to painting birds and writing poetry. Because.......that is my nature. I am naturally quiet and appreciative of the nature unfolding around me. It comes down to life being really simple. And, I look forward to simpler, quieter and more loving days in the future. Quote of the day: I reach for the page...I reach for it like a friend for company, for counsel. I tell my journal what knots I'm in and together we untangle the threads. I murmur my dreams and together we arc towards them. Suleika Jaouad Song of the day: The Littlest Birds by the Be Good Tanyas

Free to Heal

I am still processing what I have been through. When I went to the doctor last Monday, I felt the release of the good news. The stiches came out. And, I was still in my head, when the doctor said I shouldn't go back to work on Memorial Day weekend. I LOVE this little job I have. But, it is not the money. It is getting together each week with some of the nicest people I have ever met. It is the beauty of the setting, the wedding we are celebrating, it is the flowers, the shine of the champagne glasses, the string quartet playing love songs, the sound of a champagne cork popping, it is the taste of the food eaten family style with my co-workers and on and on. It is basically a celebration of love and life. It took me a few days of still feeling the sting of my wounds. But, on Wednesday I finally put the thought of going back to work to rest until mid-June. Then, yesterday I finally cancelled my plans to go to Maryland this weekend to celebrate Mother's day with my grandchildren. I am not bouncing back as quickly as I thought I would. I am in pretty good spirits considering, but so disappointed. My doctor changed my recovery period from 2 weeks to 4-6. I can't believe my reaction to him. Luckily, he was not mean about it. I just had to feel for myself this week to go with it. I didn't realize how the lymph node wounds would end up being new wounds that would have to start healing this week. Luckily, I am still riding on a high from seeing Jon Batiste live on Mother's Day. A friend made sure I was greeted by get well cards in the mail each day. I subscribed to Netflix, which I haven't watched in three years. Wednesday I went on a errand day. This is when I then showered for the first time. I realized then, I needed a week of complete rest. I am getting ready for watercolor painting for the next few days. The watercolor painting pictured is one I did yesterday. I did it while listening to Jon Batiste's song butterfly. I bought some cards from Hallmark at the Post Office they were my inspiration. Today, I hope to paint a blackbird to the song. Thank God for my painting and music. Art and Music heals. And, it is the most needed part of my life, now. My next time out of my house is Thursday. The reception for Music Heals Interwoven Stories is on Princeton University campus. The best is I talked to my good friend who moved to Florida. She will be up this week and she is meeting me there! Yay!!! Quote of the day: “Healing is figuring out how to coexist with the pain that will always live inside of you, without pretending it isn’t there or allowing it to hijack your day. It is learning to confront ghosts and to carry what lingers. It is learning to embrace the people I love now instead of protecting against a future in which I am gutted by their loss. Katherine’s experience and her insight sit with me. She went through something she thought she could never survive and yet here she is, surviving. “You have to shift from the gloom and doom and focus instead on what you love,” she told me before bed. “That’s all you can do in the face of these things. Love the people around you. Love the life you have. I can’t think of a more powerful response to life’s sorrows than loving.” ― Suleika Jaouad, Between Two Kingdoms: A Memoir of a Life Interrupted Song of the day: Blackbird by the Beatles sung by Jon Batiste

You Can Win

You can win. What does this mean? It was said by John Batiste last night at the Count Basie. To me, this picture shows I can win. And, it is as easy as just being me. Last year, I bought this Monarch Butterfly patch and sewed it on the pocket of an April Cornell Artist Smock. Little did I know it would be used to hold a drain. I still can't believe I have known I have had cancer for a month, now. I get the stiches and the drain out today. And....MAYBE I will be told about the biopsies of my lymph nodes, today. But, here I am happy because I was all prepared (like a girl scout) to be able to hide my drains to go see Jon Batiste. And, hear him play the most beautiful song ever written called Butterfly. The timing, the venue ( I saw Bruce Springsteen in the same theatre when I was 17). He was genuinely happy to be sharing Mother's Day with us. He is magic. I love his style and the way he dresses. It is like he is growing so fast, his suits can't keep up with him. Best of all he is being himself. He compared it to us all being invited into his living room. I liked being in a theatre, way up high. As if, we were closer to heaven. He was taking us to heaven with the sound of his piano keys. When he sang about the butterfly, it was as if ypu could feel butterflies flying out of the grand piano. When he sang about soul, I would feel it deep inside of my soul. When he sang about freedom and ended with Blackbird it was as if there was the sound of wings of freedom. It is all very meditative and healing. When he played Don't Stop, I truely did not want to stop being in this dream world. But, the beauty of it all, was I could take it with me. I know what I will be thinking about last night at the doctor's office today. And, I have the tools and will to deal with anything, now. I am hoping I bypass the anger stage of all of this. And, I can drift and flow through another disappointment. Like riding the biggest and longest wave in the ocean. Quote of the day: “With so many ways to communicate at our disposal, we must not forget the transformative power of a live music experience and genuine human exchange.” Jon Batiste Song of the day: Drink Water Jon Batiste I just arrived home from the doctor. The surgery removed all the cancer. And it did not spread to the lymph nodes I am FREE of cancer!

Sunshine in my Pocket

The most disappointment I felt, since I had my surgery, was on Thursday. I found out I couldn't get the two drains out by the weekend. A very special weekend including Mother's Day. But, again always looking at the bright side. I was able to be excused from Jury Duty on Monday. As much as I am looking forward to getting rid of the drains and stitches. I am not looking forward to the pain it is going cause when they come out. I can NOT believe I am sharing this picture of me. But, when I was processing the ideal of having the drains the next few days. I tried imagining all of my button down shirts. It did not take long to realize I had the most perfect solution. When I was leaving the hospital the nurse safety pinned the drains on my shirt. Complimenting how pretty my April Cornell top was. It always has felt good how many compliments I would recieve wearing her clothing. When I was purging my wardrobe it didn't feel good all of the beautiful clothes I was selling or donating. But, I lost a lot of weight at the time. And, through Thred Up I was able to get gift cards to use for Vera Bradley. I felt a little tiny bad I ended up with five Artist Smocks (what I am wearing in the picture). But, this made me SO happy because this one and another I will wear today, have pockets. The higher and lower are perfect for the drains! I did think about selling the smocks on Ebay. They are one size fits all, which would make them very easy to sell on online. I am looking forward to a day celebrating mother's. I always enjoy seeing everyone's posts. I know it is a sad day for some. But, we are free! We are so powerful. We CAN make choices to turn a frown upside down. Happy Mother's Day! Quote of the Day: We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated. Maya Angelou Song of the Day: Can't Stop This Feeling Justin Timberlake

You Are Free

Well, golly gee!!! how lucky can I be? I get to write again about how resillient and strong I can be!!!! Sounds pretty sarcastic, but it really is not. I am just as surprised as you are going to be when you read what I have just been through. A year ago I noticed a strange pain in my arm. I looked at my back to see if there was anything unusual. And, there was a growth, I never saw before. And, through the weeks and months to follow, it would bleed. I didn't know whether the black it was turning was a scab or something to worry about. Since, I am on this journey of not letting my worry and concern overcome my way of thinking. I just went with the thought of getting myself together financially after leaving my job. I filled out forms. I applied for anything and everything to make sure I was financially secure. When January came around I knew my focus became about getting health insurance and filling out those forms. And, then waiting for a reply. By, March I had insurance and made an appointment with a dermatologist. I had a biopsy, and the result came back in two weeks. It was malignant and I have melanoma. Well, I had surgery on Tuesday, and I am hoping I had melanoma. I thought would be a small cut to remove the growth and one inch around. Ended up being an eight inch incision. And, another cut for a lymph node being removed for another biopsy. I did have two lymph nodes, overall removed. The wierdest most unusual miracle through all of this is how I am feeling. I don't feel pain from the wound. I don't feel guilt because it took so long to get help. I don't feel anything remotely negative. I feel relieved. I don't feel the surgery was to hurt me, but to heal me. And, honestly my last year was all about feeling the feels and not surpressing them. So, ultimately it gave me this wierd sense of joy and happiness looking at my two children, who were showing their worry and concerns. But, were there to take care of me, listen to my motor mouth of a racing brain, and most of all give me the best belly laughs I have had in a long time. They made me smile ear to ear. And, at one point I didn't want to smile so much, because it started to make me feel a little crazy. I hate hospitals. When I was told I could get dressed to leave. I said I wanted to finish my graham crackers, ginger ale and water. But, really I was enjoying having my twins together. I wasn't going to write about this experience. But, I feel a great need to, because there was a strong message given to me, I feel VERY compelled to share. Actually, there are a couple of messages. The one for me is to get help, and take help when offered. The other is what happened as I left the hospital. I don't even know what this person looked like. My daughter went to get the car, and my son walked next to me as we left. The wheel chair arrived at the car. And, the voice of the person who wheeled me out said: "YOU ARE FREE". And, I said can you say that again? I really like what you said. And, she said it loud and clear: "You are free!" And, through all of my thoughts of NOT writing about this, came the thought I had to share this. You can take these three words with you. I think they are as strong as the three words " I love you". And, they can mean a lot if you are struggling with anything in life right now. You are free to follow your intuition and live life on your own time schedule. And have the faith that the flow you create is right for what you are going through every moment of the days we are blessed to be here on earth. And, like a friend shared during those days of isolation in lock down. "Every Moment Matters". And, you are free how to enjoy those moments or waste them by thinking negatively. Song of the day: Freedom by my idol of the moment Jon Batiste

Flower Power

So happy I have great influences in my life story. And, I have been going through some big changes. I still want to write my story. But, I am changing my approach. This morning I wanted to write about a flower I have never grown before it is called a Columbine. I took a blossom to press when I first planted it. I felt really bad about cutting off this bloom. But, then on Good Friday I walked out the door to see all of its blossoms gone. A deer must have eaten it. I then opened the flower press about a week later. I was so thankful it pressed really well. I used it to decopauge a fan I will be selling. I love making these fans from dried pressed flowers from my garden. This morning I wanted to write more about my experience with my columbine flower. I didn't remember that it is a perennial. And, now I have hopes it will come back next year. But, it came back. And, I quickly took another one to press. Then there are still a couple about to bloom. When one opened up I kept looking at it. I absolutely love the colors and the formation of the petals. The month of May is Mental Awareness month. And, in this last year of my journey to joy. I am paying close attention to my moods, meloncoly, and mindfulness. I feel strongly about the stories we tell ourselves. And, it is very important how we think of ourselves. I am seeing a pattern of not valuing myself unless I am working. But, at the very same time, I do NOT want to work for the rest of my life. So, in my writing I am not writing about myself any more. I am paying more attention to nature. And, the life cycles of the seasons. And, giving myself a brake. Just paying attention to the cycles of the seasons. And, knowing we as human beings have different cycles as well. This is what I wrote this morning: Spring is a time where the dirt brings the resilience of a flower Man brings the resilience of a castle with it’s tower. A flower is vulnerable to the mouth of a deer. At full bloom it stands tall facing the brightness of the sun Putting up with the beating of raindrops on a cloudy day Wilting and withering and seeming to die But, without some days of this it would surely die The flower needs the water to stay for a while Just like that on a sunny day It’s given another day to stay It opens itself to what this beautiful life can bring There’s a bird who comes to look at it’s beauty And, the butterflies and bees appreciate it’s aroma The truly lucky flower is the one which is plucked To be brought into a home It feels trapped at first But, realizes it is there for its beauty. And, can stay alive for days It’s part of a group of diverse flowers called a bouquet Until all its petals fall and wither away There are no flowers which stay forever Give thanks for there presence Feel blessed for their arrival Hope they will stay for many days And, most of all love them with all of your heart.